


Touch the Sky

by KO5



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:02:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7853617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When their lives are flooded with loss, Hope and Kelley tread rough waters in search for a peace that will anchor them as they wait out the biggest storm yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Sunrise

**Author's Note:**

> I came across this story in my archives from a couple years ago. I wrote it in high school for a creative writing assignment. After some editing and a couple changes here and there, I was able to turn it into a story about Hope and Kelley. I’m not sure how I feel about this little product of high school me, but since I haven’t had the chance to come up with something new, I thought I might as well post this in the meantime. Enjoy, and I’m sorry for any emotions you may feel from reading this. But just like a few of my other stories, I can promise you that everything happens for a reason and things do work out in the end.

_// Day 0_

It's quiet. 

 

Hope gently closes her book, letting out a small sigh of frustration over her lack of concentration. She’s seated comfortably out on the balcony of her hotel room, a blanket draped over her legs and a glass of wine on the table beside her. The temperature is mild, remnants of winter mixed with the warmth of spring, and the skyline before her is nothing less than perfect. There’s really no reason for someone not to be relaxed. Yet, here Hope sits, reading the same page over and over ever since stepping out onto the balcony. She racks her brain for an explanation to her restlessness. She used to love quiet moments like these that allowed her to escape into her own little world.

 

The quietness of sitting at the back of the bus on game days, silently going over pre-game notes even though she was more than prepared.

 

The quietness of ordering pizza for dinner and lazily watching a marathon of Netflix documentaries on the couch, in the comfort of her home.

 

The quietness of walking the pitch alone in an empty stadium, teammates and family just outside the empty stadium anxiously waiting to celebrate, but also giving her as much space as possible on the last day of her career.

 

The quietness of just being alone.

 

She used to live for the quiet- for herself. 

 

But there had come a point in her life when the quiet was just a little too quiet. It became the quiet that is eerie, like the calm before a storm. Hope had realized that she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts, that there was a hole in her life. There was something missing.

 

Hope watches the sun go down, illuminating the high rises in front of her. She peruses over the sun and its ability to disappear and reappear in a magnificently strange cycle until a faint vibrating disrupts her thoughts. She looks down at her phone in her lap and upon seeing three goofy faces light up the screen, she smiles; it’s the something that’s missing.

 

“Hello?” Hope eagerly speaks into the phone.

 

“Hey!” An excited, but hushed voice responds.

 

And suddenly, it's loud.

 

Hope’s smile grows at the sound of Kelley’s voice filling the phone. It’s warm and full of the loud moments she had come to love.

 

The loudness of a young defender, her laughter so loud that it reaches the back of the bus, despite being a good few rows ahead.

 

The loudness of that very same defender being late to practice, desperately throwing boxes left and right in search for a pair of shin guards, in the very first home she and a special goalkeeper had bought together.

 

The loudness of not just one, but two newborns’ cries throughout the night- cries that grew up into footsteps running down the hallway, _"Momma! Have you seen my soccer ball?”_  followed closely by another set of footsteps, _“Momma! I finished another book! Can we go to the library again?!”_

 

The loudness of never being alone again.

 

Now, Hope realizes, she lives for the loud- for her family.

 

Kelley’s voice continues to fill the phone, “Hey, so I’m sorry for calling later than I said I would. We just got home.”

 

“No worries, Kell.” Hope assures her before asking, “How are the boys?”

 

“They’re both out cold, otherwise I’d hand the phone over. They fell asleep on the ride back, thank goodness.”

 

Hope lets out a soft chuckle and replies, “I thought that might be the reason for you whispering. I can barely make out what you’re saying.”

 

“Oh right, yea, one sec.” Hope hears a door shut. Kelley’s voice returns to its normal volume, “Sorry about that. I was just double checking that the little dudes were all settled in; you never know with them sometimes. I’m downstairs now. Can you hear me alright?”

 

“Yeah, that’s better,” Hope replies. “Wow, they must’ve been pretty tired to fall asleep on the ride home. They hate sleeping in the car.”

 

“They’re exhausted,” Kelley confirms. “A day out on the water will do that to you. I’m pretty tired myself.” Kelley yawns before asking, “So how was your day?”

 

“Long, but productive, I guess. Let’s just say I’d rather have been at the beach with you guys.” Hope thinks back on the past weekend. She had been in Manhattan for a series of meetings concerning the growth of the NWSL and while she loved having input on the league, she couldn’t wait to return to Kelley and their home in New Jersey.

 

“Well what time do you get back tomorrow? I think we’re heading back to the shore for a second day,” Kelley informs her. “You would think the kiddos would be exhausted from today alone, but oh no, they begged me to take them back as soon as I told them it was time to head home.”

 

Hope smirks, “That sounds like something they would do. Why don’t you see what Christie and the girls are up to tomorrow? And Tobin and Press? They love the kiddos.”

 

“I guess…yeah, I’ll give them a call.” Kelley sighs and laments dramatically, “We’re all getting too old for this, Hope.”

 

“Relax, Kell. They’re five years old…they have a lot of growing up to do still so you can’t give up now. Brace yourself.”

 

Hope smiles at the sound of Kelley’s laughter carrying through the phone. They fall into a comfortable silence until Kelley breaks it. Her voice softens, “Hey, you doing okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah…of course.” Hope does her best to reassure her wife. She honestly replies, “I just miss you guys.”

 

“Hope, it’s been two days…and you’re coming home tomorrow.” Kelley reminds her, soft laughter escaping her lips.

 

Hope knows Kelley’s rolling her eyes on the other end, but she can’t help the overflowing love she has for her family. She sighs, “I know.” Hearing Kelley yawn for a second time, she tells her, “I better let you go…you sound tired. Get some rest, okay? And hopefully the drive home tomorrow won’t be too terrible and I’ll make it in time to join you out at the beach.”

 

“Yeah, give me a call when you start heading our way. I love you.”

 

After all these years, Hope’s breath still hitches in return as she barely murmurs out, “I love you too.”

 

Just before the connection is lost, Kelley quickly stops her, “Oh, and Hope?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“We miss you too.”

 

As Hope puts her phone back into lap, she feels herself float to cloud nine and isn’t quite sure if she’ll ever be able to wipe the smile off her face. As her heart rate slows down to its normal pace, Hope is surrounded by the quiet once again and realizes she much prefers the loud. She sighs, convincing herself to head to bed as it wouldn’t do her any good to try and read again. As she slides the door shut, she can’t help but notice dark, grey clouds filling the sky. Though the darkness bothers her for a moment, Hope remembers the sun and its warmth just around the corner.

 

But maybe Hope should’ve paid a little more attention to the darkness and the way it made her feel; as if it were a warning for the very next day, when her life takes a turn and veers off the well paved path.

 

When she gets the phone call.

 

When she sees and hears a multitude of sirens, burning and screaming red.

 

When she rushes through sliding glass doors into a room of commotion, of complete chaos.

 

When she surveys a mass of strangers, some in despair and some in a frantic hurry because life depends on time.  

 

When she realizes how loud it is. 

 

_A little too loud._

 


	2. Clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support so far! The chapters in this story are much longer than what I usually write, so I'll be posting them once or so a week.

 

_// Day 1._

Hope reluctantly presses on the brakes and feels her car roll to a stop. She glances at the looming clouds above her before leaning back into her seat and cursing under her breath.  She’s been in traffic for the past twenty minutes, and she’s still an hour away from home. She sighs heavily, a poor attempt to settle her increasing heart rate. Hope grips the steering wheel tight, feeling her eyes sting with tears.

 

 _You should’ve answered it._ She berates herself for not picking up her phone all morning. She had felt it buzzing in her pocket throughout her interview. Assuming that the kids had gotten a hold of Kelley’s phone, sending her nonsense text messages as they loved to do, she had reached into her pocket and turned it off. It wasn’t until lunch that she had turned it back on and watched as it flooded with notifications. She was surprised to see texts from numerous people including Natasha Kai, Heather O’Reilly, Christen Press, and even her mother, everything ranging from “Hope, please text me back ASAP” to “I’ll be there as soon as possible” to the most unnerving “Are you okay?” from Carli. But what haunted her the most were the voicemails from Christie, each one increasing in urgency.

 

_Hi Hope, it’s Christie. I know you’re busy, but give me a call as soon as you can, okay?_

 

_Hey, it’s me again…wait, where are you taking them? Oh, okay, yeah I don’t know…hi, sorry it’s me again. Just uhm, please give me a call…or Kai or HAO or anyone really. I gotta go, but just give us a call please._

_Hope, I don’t know what happened to you, but you better have a damn good reason for not picking up right now. You need to come home as soon as you can. Please call me back._

As she listened to the last voicemail, Hope’s heart tightened in her chest. She fumbled through her contacts and instantly returned the calls. Doing her best to ignore the fear in Christie’s voice, Hope listened as her former captain told her to remain calm. But as soon as the words _There’s been an accident_ rolled off the older woman’s tongue, Hope had felt everything around her become a blur.

 

Now, sitting bumper to bumper on the highway, Hope knows exactly where she needs to go, but still has difficulty recalling the details. She really can’t piece together what Christie had told her. She can’t remember, and maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to believe.

-

 

Hope parks her car in the first available space she sees and allows her feet to carry her past the multitude of ambulances and through the sliding doors into the building before her. She contemplates taking the elevator, but when she sees a line, she opts to take the stairs. She runs up multiple flights until she reaches the sixth floor, _Inpatient Trauma Center._

 

Still trying to catch her breath, Hope focuses in on the front desk. Finally reaching it, she lets out, “My…my family. I was told to come here, for my family.”

 

“Names?”

 

“Kelley and Kaden O’Hara Solo.”

 

Hope impatiently waits as the woman in front of her looks at her computer. She eventually makes eye contact again and says, “Well, we have a Kelley O’Hara.”

 

“Yes,” Hope’s eyes lighten up at the familiar name. “Yes, that’s my wife.”

 

“Okay, hmm, I’m not seeing a Kaden O’Hara Solo though. I’ll check recently admitted.”

 

Hope cuts in, “Maybe he’s under Kaden Solo. Try that.”

 

A few minutes late, the woman before her just shakes her head and informs, “I’m sorry, but I’m still not finding anyone under that name.”

 

“What?” Hope looks at her with disbelief. “No, just try O’Hara Solo again…he’s five years old, blonde hair- on the darker side, blue eyes, like mine.”

 

Hope continues to stare at the woman in desperation, but she just shrugs and sighs, “I’m sorry, I-”

 

“Hope?”

 

Hope swiftly turns around at the familiar voice, sighing in relief as she recognizes her former teammate. “Christie! Oh thank goodness.” Rushing towards the other woman, she rambles, “The front desk is a bit confused, I think. They seems to have Kelley and Kaden under different names, which is sort of ridiculous. You would think hospitals were more organized with these sort of…” Hope allows her voice to fade, noticing that Christie hasn’t said a word. Her fears begin to settle in; something wasn’t right. She realizes she had been stupid to think that everything was okay. It wasn’t.

 

Christie looks at her younger friend with sympathy. Taking a deep breath, she informs, “Kelley’s room is just around the corner and down the hall. She’s incredibly stable, totally responsive both physically and cognitively, but the doctors just want to monitor her over the next few days for precautionary measures.” Christie pauses before continuing, “But-”

 

Hope abruptly breaks eye contact with her friend and looks to the ceiling, falling into a defensive stance with her arms crossed and jaw clenched. Deep down, she already knew what Christie was about to say; she had sensed it the moment she had said her name.

 

Christie voice cracks as she reaches out, “I’m so sorry, Hope, but-”

 

“No,” Hope immediately interrupts. She doesn’t mean to sound so abrasive, but she doesn’t need to her another word. Her voice softens, “Just don’t.” Hope sighs, but then looks up at Christie in alarm, her eyes widening. “Atticus! Where’s Atticus?”

 

“He’s okay. He’s been with us…Heather just took him to the cafeteria for a snack.” Christie replies earning a few nods from Hope. She tries again, “But, Hope-”

 

“I don’t want to hear it!” Hope finally snaps.

 

There’s an edge to her voice that makes Christie drop the subject. She knows the younger woman well, and knows it wouldn’t be worth testing her. She’s hurting. Christie sighs and relents quietly, “Okay.” They stand there in silence for a moment before Christie pulls Hope in, embracing her in a hug. Hope tenses at first, but relaxes into her friend’s arms.

 

On the verge of tears, Hope murmurs adamantly, “I need to see Kelley.” Christie looks at her, nodding and motioning her to follow.

 

When Hope rounds the corner, she instantly recognizes many faces. She first sees Rylie and Reece, both sound asleep against Kai, whose expression is one of shock and distraught. Across from them is Tobin, who has her elbows on her knees and her head buried into her hands. Hope notices her back shaking slightly; she’s sobbing. Christen sits beside her, rubbing her back in comfort and holding her hand tight. Christen looks up and connects with Hope, but they’re both speechless. Hope opens her mouth to say something, but her breath hitches at the sound of a young voice.

 

“Mommy?”

 

Hope looks further down the hall and just makes out Heather’s figure with her son in her arms. Kai lets Atticus down and as he runs over, Hope drops to her knees and gives him a huge hug. Holding his little head close in the crook of her neck, she closes her eyes and breathes in his scent. She murmurs, “Hi buddy…I’m so glad you’re okay.”

 

“I missed you, Mama.” Atticus solemnly stares in return, his voice a mixture of innocence and fright.

 

Hope gently kisses his head of hair and replies quietly, “I missed you too.”

 

Atticus just nods before looking around with intrigue. Hope tries to gauge his feelings; he had never spent this much time in a hospital before, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if he leaves the place doubtful and scared. He looks up expectantly at Hope, “Is Mommy awake yet?”

 

Hope bites her lips and looks in the direction of Kelley’s room. She replies honestly, “I don’t know…I was just going to check.”

 

“Can I come with you?” Atticus eagerly pleas.

 

Hope discretely looks at Christie and Heather, who are standing to the side. She isn’t sure how much Atticus knew; she figures not much, and she’s dreading how she and Kelley would break the news to him. She ends up compromising as best as she can, “I’d love that, Atty, but Mommy needs as much as rest as she can get right now and I need to talk to the doctor about some grown up things first. Once that’s done and if Mommy is awake, I’ll come out and get you, okay? Can you be a big bog and wait just a little bit longer?”

 

Atticus sighs in disappointment, but doesn’t make a fuss. He knows something isn’t quite right, but allows his Aunt Kai to lead him back to a seat. Hope stands up again and after giving Christie one last look, she opens the door to Kelley’s room. Upon seeing her sleeping soundly in the hospital bed, she sighs in relief, grateful that she’s alright.

 

The doctor writing down vitals on his clipboard off to the side eventually gains Hope’s attention, “Mrs. Solo, yes?”

 

“Hope,” She quickly says, “You can call me Hope.” Hope walks to the side of Kelley’s bed and holds onto her hand, asking, “She’s going to be okay, right?”

 

“More than okay. I expect a full recovery,” The doctor begins. “You’re going to have to ask your friends for details, but from what I understand, she and your son got caught out on the water when the storm rolled in. She took a knock to her head, but it wasn’t enough to render a concussion. She did lose consciousness when brought back to shore by one of your friends, but I believe that was from pure exhaustion, not a head injury. She was fighting some pretty strong waves out there.”

 

“When will she wake up?” Hope asks, pulling a chair beside Kelley’s bed.

 

“By this evening. With very little knowledge of the accident at first, we wanted to give her some medication to take away any pain and ensure a full rest. We didn’t want her waking up in hysterics; that might’ve injured her further, so we didn’t want to take any chances.”

 

“Right, thank you.” Hope murmurs as she stares lovingly at Kelley, moving stray hairs out of her face.

 

The room falls silent until the doctor clears his throat, getting ready to offer his condolences, “Hope, I’m so sorry for your-“

 

“Stop.” Hope puts her hand up, cutting him off completely. She repeats for a second time that afternoon, “Just not now.” She hears the doctor sigh, but before he can leave, she quickly stops him. “Wait.”

 

“Yes?”

 

Hope looks around the room anxiously, even though she knows perfectly well that they were the only three in the room. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, which were flying left and right in her mind. There’s only so much she can take and she can feel herself slowly breaking into pieces. Her incoherent thoughts manifest in stutters, “Doctor, I…we just…I don’t know if you know, but maybe it already…well, I just-“

 

“The baby?” The doctor questions knowingly, his brow raising. He watches as a glimmer of peace flickers through the devastation in Hope’s eyes, as if she’s slowly realize that maybe- just maybe- she and her family will be okay again. He smiles weakly, “Your baby is just fine.”

 

“Really?” Hope’s voice cracks with gratitude. “I thought…”

 

“Perfectly healthy.” The doctor reassures her.

 

“We just found out…last week.” Hope murmurs quietly.

 

“Congratulations,” The doctor smiles warmly before telling her, “In case you were wondering, Kelley is six weeks along and like I said, despite everything, your baby is one hundred percent healthy.”

 

“Thank you.” Hope breathes out, leaning down to kiss Kelley’s forehead. Not making eye contact with the doctor anymore, she respectfully requests, “Can we just have some time alone?”

 

“Yes, yes…of course. I’ll be doing round for the rest of the night, so if anything were to come up, just let me know.” The doctor pauses, but then informs, “I’m going to give you as much time as I can, but there are some difficult conversations we need to have still. You understand that, right?”

 

The sense of peace that Hope had felt just moments ago disappears in an instant. She feels her blood turn cold and reality sink back in. She mechanically nods towards the doctor as he exits the room, and then returns her attention back to Kelley, so fragile, so peaceful, and so unknowing.   

 

Hope dreads the moment she awakes.

 

-

 

When Kelley stirs under the sheets and slowly regains consciousness, she notices a familiar hand intertwined with her own and after a few blinks, she meets a pair of tired, blue eyes. Hope inhales and exhales deeply before moving over to place a kiss on the younger woman’s lips, whispering a soft, “Hey.”

 

“Hey…” Kelley quietly croaks, still adjusting to her surroundings.

 

Hope notices the confusion filling Kelley’s eyes and is quick to diffuse it, “You’re okay, Kell. Don’t worry.”

 

Kelley nods, her trust completely in Hope’s hands. She begins to prop herself up when her memory returns in full and her eyes widen in alarm. Instinctively bringing a hand to her abdomen, she looks at Hope with fear, “The baby?”

 

Hope calmly nods towards a machine letting out an almost silent, but consistent and sturdy sound. She smiles, “Strong heartbeat, see?”

 

Kelley’s mouth falls open in awe as she stares and just listens to the heart rate monitor at the foot of her bed. She lets herself soak in the moment, committing every beat to memory. She eventually pries herself away and turns back to Hope. She looks at her keenly, “And the boys?”

 

Hope gulps as she gathers every ounce of courage and strength left in her. She starts slow, “Atticus is with everyone outside…Christie, Kai, Tobin and Press…they’ve been here all day.”

 

Kelley shakes her head, knowing that Hope’s purposefully avoiding the question, “No, but Kaden. Where’s Kaden?” Her eyes begin to dart around the room, avoiding Hope at all costs. She’s afraid if she were to make eye contact with Hope once more, then she’d have her answer.

 

“Kelley,” Hope prepares her, “Please look at me.”

 

Kelley stares into her lap, refusing to look up. She shakes her head, “No.”

 

“Kell, sweetheart…”

 

“Hope, no, I’m scared. I can’t-”

 

Kelley continues to shake her head until she feels Hope lift her chin until they were face to face. Not only does she see the pain in Hope’s eyes, but she feels it too. She just _knows_. Her vision becomes blurring and she feels her eyes begin to water, no matter how hard she tries to stay composed. She feels Hope’s arms wrap around her, pulling her in close. It isn’t until she feels the first few drops from Hope’s tears begin to dampen her hair that she loses all composure. As soon as she chokes out her first sob, she can’t seem to stop. She brings her hands to her face in a poor attempt to stifle the gut wrenching sounds and turns into the one person she could hold onto, only to find that she was just as broken.

 

“Shhh…it’s okay, Kelley…we’re going to be okay.”

 

Hope repeats the mantra over and over and over again.

 

-

 

A quiet and solitary hour passes. Hope’s still laying with Kelley snug against her chest when they both feel her phone vibrate in her pocket. They ignore it, but after a few more vibrations, Kelley mutters softly, “You should answer it.”

 

Hope pulls out her phone and upon glancing at it for the first time since arriving at the hospital, she says with surprise, “Carli’s here.”

 

Kelley’s eyes grow bigger, “Really?”

 

“Yeah, I guess someone called her…and she must’ve just driven out here.” Hope ponders, knowing that Carli lived the furthest from the rest of her Jersey teammates.

 

“I want to see her,” Kelley says plainly, receiving an inquisitive look from Hope, who doesn’t feel the need to question her request, but finds it a little odd anyways. Kelley tugs on the hem of Hope’s shirt, reiterating, “I want to see Carli.”

 

Hope nods and gently removes herself from the bed. Her body feels heavy with every step she takes, and though she appreciates everyone’s support, she doesn’t really want to face them. All she wanted was to be alone with Kelley; she’s always been one who genuinely valued her personal space. As soon as Hope steps into the hallway, multiple pairs of eyes stare at her with concern, but only one gets up to greet her.

 

“Oh, Hope…” Carli instantly brings her into a hug. Feeling her friend’s embrace, Hope can’t help the tears forming in her eyes once again. “I can’t even imagine how…” Her voice trails off. There are really no words to say.

 

“I know,” Hope whispers in understanding. “Thank you, for being here and all.”

 

“Yeah, of course…you’re family. You’ve always been.” Carli smiles, placing a hand on Hope’s shoulder.

 

Hope nods and before Carli can return to her seat, she lets her know, “Kelley wants you.”

 

Carli looks around hesitantly before casually pointing to her chest, “What? Me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What?” Carli replies with uncertainty, slowly backing away. She’s been there for Hope and Kelley for years now, but nothing compares to where they stood today.

 

“She wants you.” Hope replies simply.

 

“No,” Carli replies, not trying to sound harsh. She tries to get Hope to understand. “I just…no, I can’t.”

 

“Carli, please.” Hope practically begs.

 

“Why me?” Carli asks in disbelief. “I want to be there for Kelley, and you of course, but I…I don’t know what to say. Can’t you get Christie…or oh, Heather! Heather would be good.”

 

“No, Carli, please…she’s asking for you.” Hope pleas, her voice so full of fatigue and ache that Carli simply can’t ignore. Carli sighs heavily and relents, giving Hope one last squeeze on the shoulder.

 

Hope watches as Carli enters the room, refraining from following. If Kelley wanted to have some one-on-one time with Carli, she shouldn’t feel the need to question it- especially not now. During times like these, the last thing she wanted to do was push people away. She had learned that from the past. Hope looks over to see Atticus fast asleep next to Heather who’s keeping an eye on him. She takes a step forward, but instead changes her mind and stops in front of her two teammates she yet had the chance to talk to.

 

Hope bends down and situates herself on her knees, whispering quietly, “Tobin…” She places her hand gently on the midfielder’s arm, a sign of support. “Hey, look at me.”

 

Tobin responds slowly, looking at her girlfriend before finally at Hope. Her eyes are red and puffy, and Hope’s heart sinks further. She hated seeing some of her closest friends hurting; they all considered each other family. Again, Hope didn’t know exact details. All Christie had told her was that Kelley and Kaden had been out on the water when a storm rolled in. The current quickly strengthened and somehow, Kaden had drifted away from Kelley’s reach and was pulled every which way in the water until he lost consciousness and drifted towards a rocky shore. In attempts to save him, Kelley also got tossed around by the waves, having hit her head hard on a poorly placed. She called desperately for help, but Tobin had been closer to shore and no matter how fast she swam, she couldn’t reach them quick enough. By the time she got to them, both were still breathing, but hardly awake. Tobin had just enough strength to swim them back to shore. Hope’s not sure what had happened between getting back on shore and the hospital, but here they were now.

 

Hope continues to receive silence from the distraught midfielder, “Tobin, this isn’t your fault…it’s no one’s fault, you understand?”

 

Tobin nods, and Hope knows she gets it. But she can’t help but notice the confusion in Tobin’s eyes as if she were searching for something. Hope quickly realizes that they’re all searching for something and that something was the answer to the big question looming over everyone’s heads. _Why them?_

Hope is also sure to hug Christen and give her a look of gratitude, but after, she heads straight for her son. All she wants to do is hold him, so as carefully as possible she moves him into her lap. While doing so, Atticus stirs awake and looks up at her with tired eyes. He mumbles, “Is Mommy awake yet?”

 

Hope kisses his head and rubs his back, trying to ease him back into sleep. She tells him honestly, “Mommy’s awake, but she still’s not feeling too good. You’ll see her soon, buddy.”

 

Atticus’ expression falls and Hope can tell he’s upset, but as she predicts, he snuggles back into her and falls back to sleep. She waits with Atticus in her arms and she almost drifts off, but Carli appears back in the hallway. Hope’s eyes shoot open and she looks at her best friend, but for some reason can’t get a read on her. She wants to know what had been talked about, but she refrains yet again.

 

Carli crosses the hallway and slumps into the chair beside her, and informs softly, “She’s asleep again.”

 

Hope doesn’t say anything in return, but instead hands Atticus off to Carli before entering back into Kelley’s room. She’s always been pulled to Kelley, but not like this. It’s not the light, fun attraction that they usually share; _this_ \- this is much darker. She feels like Kelley is tumbling down a never ending staircase and she’s terrified that if she leaves Kelley’s side for even just one moment, she’ll reach rock bottom where no one can ever reach her again. Hope knows she’s strong, but the longer she watches Kelley’s chest rises and sinks with every shallow breath, she’s not confident in Kelley’s strength anymore; she’s in the most fragile state she’ll ever be in. They both are. Hope watches as the clock strikes midnight.

 

It’s a new day, a new beginning, a new life.

 

And she hates it.

 


	3. Rain (Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, folks. I think I'm back. I'm sorry for leaving you hanging. This last month has been crazy busy, but I finally found some time to get back working on a few writing projects...hopefully my updates will be more consistent here on out :) Hope you'll stick with me!

_// Day 8_

Hope tiredly props herself up and swings her legs over the side of the bed. She looks back over her shoulder at the woman she loves, making sure she’s sound asleep. Fortunately, Kelley has been sleeping through the night ever since they discharged her from the hospital. Hope is glad; Kelley really needs the rest. But as for herself, she can’t get through one night without waking up at least twice. She looks at the clock, which reads 7am, and she figures it’s finally a decent hour to get out of bed. Hope walks downstairs to the kitchen and after making herself a cup of coffee, she picks up her phone.

 

“Hello?” A voice yawns into the phone.

 

“Did I wake you up?” Hope suddenly reminds herself of the time difference, and quickly apologizes, “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, Mom.”

 

“No,” Judy responds, “Don’t worry about it…I usually get up around now anyways.” Judy hears her daughter’s shallow breathing over the phone and immediately knows she didn’t call just to say good morning. She asks softly, “Hope, honey, you alright?”

 

Hope pauses and when she finally finds her voice, it cracks, “I don’t know.”

 

Judy grimaces at the unhappiness in her daughter’s voice and reminds her, “I’m not going to tell you that everything’s going to be okay because I know you don’t like that, but I’m going to remind you that there are so many people thinking about you guys right now. We’re all here for you, okay? We’re with you, sweetheart.”

 

Hope wipes away a stray tear and replies, “I know. Thanks, Mom.”

 

Directing the conversation, Judy asks, “When do people start flying in?”

 

Hope tells her, “Well, Kelley’s parents are flying in tomorrow night.”

 

“Oh that’s right. And I’ll be there midweek.”

 

“Yeah,” Hope agrees and adds, “Along with Erin, Jerry, and their families.” She further recalls, “Pretty much everyone else gets in the day before the service, but I think a lot of them are staying well into the following week. I don’t know detailed itineraries for sure though.”

 

“Are you expecting a lot of people?”

 

Hope can’t help but glance to the stacks of paperwork and plans on the dining table. She glances over the list and shrugs, “I guess, yeah. Mostly our teammates.”

 

“That’s nice of everyone to make the effort to come.”

 

“They’re family.” Hope weakly smiles at the thought of all their teammates. Everyone had reached out as soon as they heard about Kaden’s accident. They were expecting almost every national player, current and retired, a handful of Reign and Sky Blue teammates, and various other prominent figures from their soccer community.

 

Judy formulates Hope’s thoughts into words, “Like I said before, Hope, having a good support system during times like these is so, if not the most, important thing to have and hold on to during times like these. You’re very lucky you have so many people who care about you guys.” Hope can hear her mother get teary on the other end and bites back her response. Judy continues quietly, “You’ve been through a lot, Hope. I have full faith that you can get through this too, no matter how impossible you think it is. You’re the strongest person I know, sweetheart.”

 

“Thanks, Mom.” Hope replies in short, not able to get anything else out. She fights back tears.

 

They sit in silence until Judy asks, “How’s Kelley holding up?”

 

Hope sighs; she’s not sure how to answer that because they hadn’t talked much. Getting Kelley to open up hadn’t been easy, but now that she thinks about it more, she hadn’t put much effort into talking either. She repeats her answer from before, “I don’t know.”

 

“Want to expand?” Judy knows her daughter too well and knows there was so much more behind her vagueness. Hope liked to talk things through even if she wouldn’t admit it, so she would give her every opportunity to do so.

 

“We just haven’t talked much.” Hope begins.

 

“Hope…” Judy warns her, already knowing where the conversation is heading.

 

“I know, I know…” Hope sighs. She knows communicating is key, but she says anyways, “Ever since we got home, I’ve been busy making arrangements, which I know isn’t an excuse, but I’m just trying to figure out things, you know, get a feel as to what might be going on in her head or well…I mean, I think I know, but at the same time I don’t even know where to begin…” Hope stops talking, realizing her rambling is becoming too much.

 

“Has she tried talking to you?” Judy questions.

 

“No, not really…she’s been keeping to herself.” Hope pauses and then corrects, “Not like blocking me out and actively ignoring me or anything of that sort. She’s just been resting. The doctor told her to take things slow, so she’s been quiet…but I guess that’s the problem too. She’s a little too quiet. Or maybe it’s not a problem. She’s reacting completely normal, right?” Hope feels herself winding up in circles over and over again. She apologizes quietly, “I’m sorry. I’m rambling.”

 

“Don’t be sorry, Hope. This is good for you, to talk things out with someone,” Judy comforts her but then tells her, “It’s not a bad thing that you’re wondering about all these things; it’s good that you’re so detail oriented. But sweetheart, maybe you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. Maybe there isn’t an answer to your curiosity or a way to tie up all these loose ends. I don’t think you’re supposed to know exactly how Kelley is feeling right now; she may not even know herself. But I think it would be beneficial for the both of you if you at least start a conversation. Together, you’ll figure out how to navigate through all this. You can figure out how to move on, together.”

 

Hope let’s her mother’s advice sink in. After a minute of processing, she can’t help but chuckle as she apologizes yet again, “I’m sorry for laying this all on you, Mom. I should’ve just waited for when you come in a few days.”

 

“Hope, I will always have time to talk to you. There’s no need to be sorry. I’m your mother and I don’t ever want to see you struggling with things and if you are, I’m going to do everything I can to help push you through it.” Judy pauses before changing the subject, “How is little Atticus? Does he understand what’s going on?”

 

“Well, we…” Hope admits regretfully, “We haven’t told him.”

 

“Hope…” Judy warns her a second time.

 

“All our friends here in Jersey have been doing a good job of distracting him- almost too good of a job, really. They’ve been giving Kelley and me time to ourselves, which has been nice to plan everything out and for Kelley to rest, but I…” Hope takes a deep breath, her voice wavering, “He thinks Kaden is still trying to get better at the hospital…we just, we don’t know how to tell him, Mom.”

 

Judy suddenly realizes, “Hope, I think avoiding these hard conversations is what’s weighing heavy on your heart. I can hear it in your voice. Please don’t let that become added stress. The conversation needs to start somewhere no matter how terrifying or unnerving it is.”

 

“Yeah, I understand that, but-” Hope pauses when she hears footsteps moving around upstairs. She listens as a couple drawers open and close shut. She puts the phone back to her ear, “Hey, Mom, can I call you back? I think Kelley is awake and I should check on her.”

 

“Yes, yes, of course,” Judy answers. “I will see you soon. Take care and I love you, Hope.”

 

“I love you too, Mom.”

 

Hope sets down the phone and just as she exits the kitchen, she sees Kelley skip down the stairs. The younger woman looks up at her and Hope tentatively greets her, “Hey…”

 

“Morning, babe!” Kelley smiles, finally reaching the last step.

 

Hope looks her up and down. It’s the first time she’s been fully dressed in a week, and Hope realizes she might even have a touch of makeup on. She asks in confusions, “Are you going somewhere?”

 

Kelley shrugs before suggesting, “I was thinking we could go out for the day- grab some brunch, go to the park, walk through town. I don’t know, but I’d like to spend some time out of the house today.”

 

Hope’s still not sure what suddenly changed in Kelley nor what caused her to perk up. She eyes her strangely, but nervously plays along anyways, “That sounds nice, Kell.”

 

“Yeah?” Kelley’s eyes sparkle.

 

“Yeah,” Hope smiles warmly, wanting to do anything to make Kelley happy. She figures this can’t be all that terrible.

 

Kelley’s grin widens as she tells her, “I’ll go get Atticus ready!” She stands on her tippy toes to give Hope a quick peck to the cheek. Hope watches as the younger woman runs back up the stairs. Deep down, she can’t help but have a bad feeling that Kelley’s strange behavior could be a cover up. Deep down, Hope knows that ignoring everything could backfire on them.

 

Kelley’s in denial; they’re both in denial.

 

-

 

As the small family exits their favorite brunch spot and walks through town, Atticus holds Hope’s hand tight and leans into her side, groaning, “Momma, I think I ate too much.”

 

Kelley places a hand on her stomach, nodding in agreement, “I’m with you, little dude. Those blueberry pancakes were amazing though.”

 

Hope looks down at her son, “Well, you are a growing boy, buddy…” She turns to Kelley and smirks, “And you’re eating for two.”

 

When Kelley flashes her a goofy grin, Hope can’t help but smile in return. Kelley breaks contact and also faces their son, “Atty, why don’t we head to the park? You can burn off all the pancakes. How does that sound?”

 

Atticus’ face lights up at his mother’s suggestion. Out of the twins, Atticus had always been the quieter and more subdued child, and though he was more likely to be found picking out a book at a library, he would never give up an opportunity to play at the park. Not more than ten minutes later, they arrive at the park and immediately runs to the swings.

 

Kelley leans up against the swinging structure as she watches Hope push Atticus. She speaks up, but not loud enough for Hope to hear. Hope turns to her, “Hm?”

 

“I feel pretty good.” Kelley announces a little louder than before.

 

“Yeah?” Hope raises a brow, allowing Kelley to lead their conversation.

 

“Yeah,” Kelley nods and thinks hard, “Physically, I feel like I’m getting stronger every day. My body feels good. I get tired here and there, but I haven’t felt extensively nauseous or anything like that. Morning sickness isn’t even phasing me to be honest- knock on wood, of course.”

 

“Definitely knock on wood,” Hope teases but agrees, “Yeah, I agree though. You’re doing really great, Kell…a lot better than me at this stage.” She reminisces on her own special journey.

 

Kelley can’t help but smile, “I know it wasn’t funny at the moment, but it’s funny looking back on it now. You were a mess, babe! Remember that one night you made me drag our comforter and all the pillows in the house to our bathroom? You barely could stand up the next day. I don’t think it got worse than that night, huh?”

 

“Agreed,” Hope nods, letting a chuckle escape her lips as she pictured her grumpy self practically glued to the bathroom floor. She tells her wife, “Let’s do our best to avoid a repeat of that night, shall we?”

 

Kelley grins in return, and they both watch as Atticus hops off the swings and runs over to the nearby playground structure. The two mothers trail closely behind before settling down on a bench. Kelley is quick to start the conversation again, “Have you given much thought to the nursery?”

 

Hope stops herself from giving Kelley a questioning look. With their current circumstances, she barely has time to think about what she’s going to have for dinner day to day. Putting together a nursey is the last thing on her mind right now. Nevertheless, she turns to Kelley and replies, “Well, have you?”

 

“Mhm,” Kelley’s eyes lighten up, “So, I’m thinking a soft grey with some sort of accent color. Maybe once we find out the baby’s gender, we can choose a color that is appropriate. We’ll decided on that later. But I know for sure that I want that white crib on display in the window of that one furniture store. We drove by it a few months ago, remember?”

 

Hope just watches as Kelley rambles on and on, without a care in the world. She continues to focus on this- and only this- moment, and nods in response, “Yeah, of course. How could I forget? Your squeal when you saw it almost caused me to swerve off the road.”

 

“Yep, that’s the one.” Kelley smiles proudly, and continues, “Okay, so we have the crib. What are your thoughts about the dresser and changing table? Oh! I wonder if there’s a matching set with the crib. We should probably check that place out before everything sells out, and-”

 

Hope places a hand on Kelley’s knee and politely interrupts her, “Kell, calm down. Nothing is going to sell out. It’s all very exciting, but don’t worry about it too much…we’ll figure it out. We always do.” She doesn’t mean for her words to come out like that, like they held a second meaning. She sighs and watches as Kelley pauses to catch her breath.

 

Kelley looks back at her and protests, “Hope, I think this is something we should be very worried about, and-” Kelley’s voice cuts off and looks down, murmuring, “Never mind…you’re right.”

 

“I didn’t mean to cut you off,” Hope apologizes, squeezing her knee in reassurance, “Or make you think that I’m not excited…I am, you don’t even know how happy and excited I am.” Kelley smiles up at her before leaning against her shoulder. Hope wraps an arm around her and softly kisses her head of hair. “I just didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed so early. We have time. Kell, believe me, I love talking about our baby with you. I want to keep talking.”

 

“Me too.” Kelley whispers in understand.

 

Hope gently rubs Kelley’s arm and carries their dialogue, “When do you think we should start telling people?” Kelley looks up at her, eyes filling with slight concern. Confused, she slowly lets out, “Or…not?”

 

“Just not anytime soon.” Kelley explains, before settling back into Hope, playing with the zipper of her wife’s vest.

 

“Okay…” Hope drags out before asking, “Not even our families? I mean, your parents will be here tomorrow, and your siblings and my mom later this week. I just thought that maybe since they were all going to be here-”

 

“No,” It’s Kelley’s turn to interrupt. Her voice softens as she explains her wish to Hope, “I want to keep this to ourselves for awhile.”

 

Hope can’t quite put a finger on why Kelley wasn’t willing to share their news- their only good news- with everyone. With the boys, she could barely keep her mouth shut. Yet, Hope doesn’t push the matter any further, wanting to respect her every wish and not wanting to upset her. She decides to play it safe, assuming that Kelley is in a fragile state of mind at the very least. When Kelley’s voice fills the air surrounding them, something about the nursery furniture once again, Hope forgets about all the bad plaguing her mind and just listens intently. For the rest of the afternoon, they talk about paint colors, predict what their little creation is going to look like (with Hope pinpointing her favorite O’Hara features), and begin to list possible candidates for godparents.

 

They talk about all and nothing at once.

 

-

 

That night, Hope finds herself with Kelley in her lap. The moment she had crawled into bed, the young defender climbed on top of her to press a small kiss to her lips. Hope was taken aback, returning her kiss with a rather lackluster one. Kelley, however, did not notice and continued to press forward, lining Hope’s neck with fresh kisses. Now, having let go quickly after, Hope returns Kelley’s kisses with much fervor and desire. Kelley’s been straddling her for the last ten minutes and with their hands starting to wander, they’re both slowly losing their breaths.

 

“Momma?”

 

Hope instantly freezes and Kelley gasps, quickly sliding off her wife and back under the sheets. Hope looks down to see a sheepish smile grow on Kelley’s face as she half-buried her face in embarrassment. Her hand still under Kelley’s shirt, Hope slowly rubs comforting circles on Kelley’s back. She faces the small figure in the dark and chuckles, “Hey, buddy.”

 

Atticus yawns and rubs his eyes, “Momma, I can’t sleep.”

 

“Is that so?” Hope questions, watching Atticus nod. “Do you want to come closer?” She invites him.

 

Atticus slowly wanders over to the side of the bed, now facing his two mothers. He refrains from climbing on their bed like he usually does, and simply asks, “When’s Kaden coming home?”

 

Hope freezes for the second time that night, her voice suddenly becoming inaudible. She stops rubbing circles on Kelley’s back, having feeling the younger woman tense up. She doesn’t dare look at Kelley. This was a question they both knew was coming, but also actively avoided. It shouldn’t have surprised them, but yet again, is there ever a good moment to have these types of conversations? When he doesn’t receive an answer from his parents, Atticus explains, “That’s why I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep without Kaden.”

 

Hope finally finds her voice and wonders, “Buddy, have you not been sleeping well this whole last week?”

 

Atticus shrugs and just asks again, “When’s Kaden coming home?”

 

Hope finds the strength to look down at Kelley, who has now removed herself from their intimate brace. Her head lies against the backboard of their bed and she stares straight ahead with a face stone cold. Hope realizes that she won’t be of any help, and focuses her full attention back on her son. She softly commands, “Come here.”

 

Atticus finally climbs atop their bed and Hope props herself up into a sitting position. The young boy quickly climbs into her lap, taking Kelley’s place from just moments ago. Hope takes a deep breath before beginning, “Atty, your brother isn’t coming home.” She decides it’s best to start off with a strong statement.

 

Atticus tilts his head in confusion, “Why not?”

 

Hope feels herself slowly losing composure. She reminds him, “Do you remember when Mommy took you and Kaden to the beach last week?” Atticus nods in understanding. “And do you remember what happened?”

 

“The p-para-pamadics came?”

 

Hope nods, “Right, the paramedics…do you know why they came?”

 

“Auntie HAO said they were going to make Mommy and Kaden feel better because they got hurt surfing.” Atticus quickly recalls.

 

“Yeah…exactly.” Hope nods again and does her best to keep her voice steady, “But, Atty, your brother got hurt really, really bad…so bad that the paramedics couldn’t make him feel better.”

 

“What about the doctors? They could fix Kaden!” Atticus’ eyes shine as he immediately jumps to problem solving.

 

Hope half-smiles at her son’s innocent attempt to help. She runs her hand through his head of hair and just shakes her head sadly, “The doctors couldn’t make him feel better either.” She watches as Atticus looks at her with her own very blue eyes. It’s easy to tell that he’s racking his brain for answers.

 

“So Kaden’s not coming home?” Atticus quietly reaffirms.

 

“No.” Hope responds.

 

“Never ever?” Atticus scrunches his nose in skepticism. Panic rises in his voice, “He’s gone forever?” Hope just nods, preparing to hold him close.

 

“But…but…” Atticus begins to stumble over his words in sheer disbelief, “But Mommy came home,” Atticus looks over at Kelley, who is still yet to say a word. “That’s not fair. I want both of them to get better.” The young boy states helplessly.

 

“I know, buddy.” Hope replies in a loving manner, “But sometimes life isn’t fair.”

 

“Why?” Atticus asks, annoyance and frustration filling his voice. He turns to face Kelley, not believing anything Hope was saying anymore, “Mommy?”

 

“Atticus…” Hope says softly, hoping to calm him down.

 

But the younger boy continues to stare straight at Kelley, expecting something else to come out of her mouth. “Mommy? Is Kaden really gone?”

 

“He is,” Hope interrupts, confirming again. “Atty, Kaden isn’t going to come home.”

 

Atticus begins to shake his head, his voice trembling with fear, “But why not?!”

 

Hope’s about to open her mouth, but Kelley beats her to it. The freckled woman, with darkness pooling in her eyes, aggressively lets out, “Can you just shut up?! I just…” Kelley clenches her jaw, looking up towards the ceiling, “I just don’t want to hear you guys talk about this anymore.”

 

When Hope sees tears fill Atticus eyes, not from the realization that his brother is gone, but from Kelley’s outburst alone, the former keeper has to force herself from admonishing her wife. Atticus is scared, Kelley knows that, so there’s no reason for either of them to get mad with him. Hope sighs and quickly gets out of bed, picking up Atticus in her arms. She mutters to him, “Come on buddy, let’s try to get you some rest…maybe it’ll be easier to fall asleep if I’m there, okay?” She watches as Atticus swallows back his tears and lays his head gently into the crook of Hope’s neck.

 

An hour later, having finally put Atticus to bed, Hope returns to her bedroom and finds Kelley laying on her side, her back turned to the door. Once in bed, Hope gently wraps her arms around the smaller woman. She picks up right where they left off before being interrupted, carefully placing kisses to the side of Kelley’s head. When she reaches the spot right behind the ear, Kelley squirms out of her grip, “Stop.” Hope ignores her and presses further until Kelley’s voice becomes louder, “Hope, seriously, stop.”

 

Hope respects her orders and sighs, resting her head against Kelley’s. They lay there for a moment before Kelley shrugs her off and repeats, “Stop.”

 

Hope unravels her arms from Kelley and looks at her strangely, “What? Kell, I’m not…”

 

“Just stop touching me,” Kelley finally lets out. She knows what she’s about to say is hurtful, but she says it anyways. “I don’t want you to touch me.”

 

Hope bites her lip, keeping herself from replying. She displaces herself further from the younger woman, leaving a wide gap in bed between them. Hope lays on her back and thinks hard. Kelley’s words sting, but the sudden change within her worries Hope the most. It was like a switch had been turned off; a new phase about to begin. No more denial, no more pushing aside things that mattered. Whether they liked it or not, they had to face reality now.

 

All hope of them moving forward suddenly disappears right before Hope’s eyes. Hope removes her eyes from the ceiling and turns them towards Kelley, instantly wishing she never did. In the dark, she makes out the small vibrations of Kelley’s small body. She’s hurting and Hope becomes more and more terrified as she loses faith in herself to fix their family. All she can do for now is listen to Kelley’s soft sobs as they pierce the silence.

 

Now they, too, can’t sleep.

 


	4. Rain (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've said I wasn't going to post until the New Year, but I realized that I'll be travelling for most of the month...I may be able to get another chapter out within the next few days, but otherwise the next post won't be until Feb. Hope you'll stick with me though :)

_// Day 13_

The night before the funeral, everyone is gathered at their home. They sip coffee and quietly mingle with each other, the best they know how under such circumstances. Though the room is somber and a heaviness stills over them, Hope is thankful to have warm, familiar faces surrounding her. Along with their individual families, all their friends living in New Jersey had been of great help to them over the past few weeks. Some travelled cross country to be with them, namely Pinoe and Hope’s former Reign coach, Laura Harvey. They had also received numerous calls from friends overseas who couldn’t make it simply due to distance. Hope is so, so grateful.

 

From her spot on the couch, Hope watches as Atticus plays with Ashlyn and Ali’s son, his best friend since birth. They were just months apart and grew up to be best buddies, despite living in different states. Hope is especially thankful that Ashlyn and Ali were able to spend a whole week with them; it’s a good distraction for Atticus. She’s done her best to talk with everyone, but for now, she’s content in her own presence. That is, until Carli finds a place beside her.

 

Hope knows Carli’s been watching her like a hawk all night, as if she were made of glass, so fragile and ready to crack given the chance. She turns to her best friend and reassures her, “Carli, I’m fine.”

 

Carli crosses her arms, slightly offended, “What if I just wanted…to you know, help with planning-”

 

“Then you’d be over there with Christie.” Hope motions towards the kitchen where a few members of their team sat, talking and organizing all at once.

 

Carli follows her line of sight before frowning, “What about Kelley?”

 

Before Hope can have any reaction at all, Atticus perks up from his corner of the room and drops the car in his hands so he can wander over to his mother. He looks around the room and then looks expectantly up at Hope, leaning against her knees, “Where’s Mommy?”

 

Hope gently removes a stray hair out of her son’s face and replies calmly, “She’s resting.”

 

“But she’s been resting all day!” Atticus whines.

 

Hope knows he’s not one to complain often, but everything that’s happened lately has been exhausting and it’s really just all too much for a five year old. She sighs, leaning forward to kiss his forehead, “Don’t worry about it, buddy. It’s alright…why don’t you play for another half hour before it’s time to get ready for bed? I know you’re tired.” Atticus’ shoulders slump as he reluctantly returns to his friend on the opposite end of the room. Thankfully, he resumes playing without another word. Feeling Carli’s stare burn through her, Hope retorts, “Seriously, Carli. I’m fine! Really, I am.”

 

“I know you are…” Carli replies gently, her voice softening, “But Kelley…”

 

“Like I said, she’s resting.” Annoyance fills Hope’s voice. Kelley had gradually shut down as more and more people arrived. Hope had expected it, with the funeral nearing, but she also wishes that Kelley would do more than sulk around the house. Out of everyone, Hope understands, but she also knows that the least they could do is show their family and friends some appreciation by just being there.

 

Noticing Hope’s change in demeanor, Kelley’s mother gets her daughter in law’s attention, “Hope, honey, Dan and I can go check on her, if that’ll help.”

 

Hope shrugs, sending them half a smile, “You can try.”

 

Her in-laws nod, and head upstairs to their bedroom. Everyone carries on and Hope does her rounds again, making sure everyone is content with their coffee and tea. She’s making her way back towards the kitchen when muffled voices resound from upstairs, and she stops in her place. She immediately has a bad feeling within her and she feels herself fall into a state of panic. Her eyes shoot up, and luckily they’re greeted by Erin, who also looks like she’s swallowing back something. Hope knows they’re close as sisters, and if anyone could coax Kelley into joining them, she’d be able to. Erin understands, and without one word spoken between them, she’s headed upstairs as well. Hope resumes placing empty mugs into the kitchen sink. She begins to head back to her spot on the couch, but when she realizes that one other person’s been missing all night, she heads out the back door onto their patio looking over the backyard.

 

Tobin’s curled up on their swing, her eyes staring intently into the night. Hope sits beside her teammate and gently nudges her in greeting, “Hey you.” Tobin doesn’t say anything return, not even turning her head to face Hope. She’s thinking, long and hard. Hope places a hand on her shoulder, softly reprimanding, “Please stop blaming yourself, Tobin.”

 

As soon as Hope’s words get out, Tobin leans her chin on her curled up knees, doing her best to keep her composure. Her vibe almost always matched Kelley’s, but she and Hope, well they had history together. They had been teammates for much longer and Tobin had always been level headed, understanding, when it came to Hope and all her so called transgressions. It’s a friendship that Hope will forever be thankful for. But even far beyond that, Tobin’s seen it all- she may not say as much as Carli does, but she’s watched Hope and Kelley this whole time. Deep down, she’d always known there was something special between them. So when she and Christen finally ended up together, and they decided to settle down in Jersey, Tobin knew she wanted her two former teammates to be a big part of their lives. Hope and Kelley, the same.

 

Hope watches as her younger friend soothes her mind and also tries to comfort her, “It’s not your fault…” Hope thinks back to that fateful day, her voice shaking, “In fact, you saved her. I could’ve lost the both of them, but I didn’t. You saved her, Tobin.” She repeats, but the younger woman remains silent. Hope sighs, looking around before quietly revealing, “Kelley is pregnant.”

 

Tobin’s head almost immediately snaps in her direction. Her eyes widening and locking in Hope’s stare. The keeper nods and further explains, “We had only found out about a week before…everything happened. You’re the first to know. We haven’t told anyone, not even our families…Kelley wants to keep it quiet.” Hope says, still doubtful about Kelley’s decision.

 

Knowing that Tobin is still searching for her words, Hope continues, “The baby is okay, Tobin. And that’s because of you…so thank you. Thank you for keeping them safe when I wasn’t there.” She gulps, a tone of guilt arising in her voice.

 

Tobin nods, letting out a heavy sigh. Hope finds herself at ease as a glimmer of light returns to Tobin’s eyes. The younger woman, her voice strained but full of Hope, whispers in reply, “You’re welcome.”

 

-

 

Moments later, Hope pulls up a chair at the planning table alongside Christie, Lauren, Christen, and Alex. The four of them have been God sent, taking full reign of the weekend’s schedule. Hope had tried to help out, but with Atticus and Kelley, and their families coming in, she hadn’t had the time to fully sit down with them. They never did mind though; all of them had reassured her that everything would be taken care of. They’re explaining catering details to Hope when a mix of loud voices echo down the stairs and into the living room.

 

_“I…I didn’t mean to! It just happened, I swear, I didn’t mean to!”_

_“Oh Kelley, of course you didn’t.”_

_“I did nothing wrong, and he’s still gone. He’s gone!”_

_“Oh, sweetheart…”_

The living room gets quieter by the second as everyone’s eyes drift towards the stairs leading upstairs. Everyone’s hearts go out to their suffering friend, never imagining that she- or her loved ones- would ever be in this state. Some feel themselves reduce to tears and some turn to Hope, offering support. Hope feels her chest tighten and blocks everyone around her, only hearing Kelley’s strained cries and pleas for comfort and peace.

 

 _“It’s not my fault! Please…”_ Her cries only get louder. _“It’s not my fault!!!”_

Hope flinches, and when her own mother tries to touch her shoulder, she stands up and briskly walks away. When she reaches the top of the stairs, she faces Dan, Karen, and Erin, looking so out of place, so helpless. Dan’s hand is on the doorknob, and he jostles it for good measure before turning to Hope. A tear escapes from his eyes, for his little girl and her family, and his voice cracks, “She locked us out.”

 

Hope understands; it’s something that Kelley’s been good at recently- quite literally shutting people out of her life. She lets Hope in, but occasionally, there are times when she needs to be alone and with one swift maneuver, Hope’s locked out. The keeper quickly mouths to her loved ones that she’ll handle it, and sends them away. They’re Kelley’s family, but they don’t deserve to see her like this, not when she won’t even let them in.

 

Hope now stands alone beside the door, just like she’s done on previous occasions throughout the week. “Babe? Kell? It’s me.” All she hears in return is muffled crying and Hope’s heart breaks as she pictures Kelley curled up on their bed, letting her tears soak into their pillows. “Can I come in?”

 

Though she expects no response, Hope feels a pit grow in her stomach. She almost feels nauseous just thinking about their life; they’re a mess. She begins to lose faith, not even beginning to fathom how they’re going to pull through this together. Her jaw clenches at the thought of their future, if they even have one anymore, and she angrily pleads.

 

_“I need you.”_

 

Hope feels anger arise inside her. She’s mad at the situation they’re in. She’s mad at herself for not being able to fix her family. She’s mad at Kelley making her go through this alone, for not understanding that this something they have to do together if they want to make it out alive. She’s mad because she’s in desperate need.

 

Her knees begin to tremble, so she paces up and down the hallway to keep herself from falling. When she feels herself under a familiar stare, she immediately stops with her hands on her hips, “For God’s sake, will you just stop watching me?!”

 

Carli is standing at the end of the hallway, adamant in staying, “Jesus Hope, I don’t care! You need me, so I’m going to be here…I’ll always be here.”

 

“Just leave me alone, okay?” Hope feels bad for being so harsh, but she can’t even wrap her mind around her own thoughts yet alone deal with someone else’s feelings. “What I need, Carli, is to be alone. Please.”

 

Fortunately, there’s an honestly in Hope’s voice that forces Carli to give her some space. She continues to walk down the hall before her body can’t hold itself together anymore, and she’s leaning against the wall, slumping down it in defeat. Hope sits on the floor, crying into her hands for a decent amount of time before she physically feels another body slide down beside her. It’s not Carli, she knows. She can feel the sadness and depression radiating off the other person; she had felt it all night.

 

It’s Jerry, Kelley’s brother. He, the most like Kelley, hasn’t said more than a greeting since his arrival with the rest of the family. He had always been the most easygoing, most carefree, but he and Hope never quite got along. Hope had figured that he just never quite reached the level of forgiveness for Hope that everyone else had reached. He adored his older sister, so when her heart had been broken by Hope in the past, he had taken it almost just as hard. Hope hadn’t expected him to be close to her; she’s already more than grateful that Dan, Karen, and Erin had been so gracious to her. So if Jerry wasn’t quite there with the rest of them, Hope didn’t mind. They had a mutual respect for each other as human beings, and they left it at that. No extra effort, no special treatment.

 

But this time, Hope treats him differently than she would with anyone else in the household right now. She lets him stay. It’s right there and then that the two push their hard feelings aside, into the past. What’s done is done; they’re family now, more than ever. Hope lets him stay because despite their differences, she knows that he understands her the best- just like Kelley. Jerry isn’t there to comfort her; he’s there to be just as sad as she is. He’s not going to sugarcoat anything and tell her “Don’t worry, this is just another obstacle in life.” Because in reality, this isn’t. Hope’s not sure what this is, but it feels like the world’s testing her in some sick way.

 

So Hope lets Jerry stay, leaning her head on his shoulder as both their bodies tremble with tears. This is all that Hope needs; for people to be sad and helpless with her, for them not to tell her that everything’s going to be alright and that she needs to stay strong. This time, she’s not going to be strong.

 

She just can’t be, at least not in this very moment.

 

_// Day 14_

It’s a celebration of life.

 

They remember, together. They surround each other with smiles and hold on extra tight to memories- to him- until pure love fills the empty void of each of their hearts. It’s a surprisingly uplifting experience, and everyone smiles that much more because it’s what he would have wanted.

 

But when they finally lay him to rest, there’s a chill in the air, a reminder of their new reality settling in. Everyone’s completely silent, hoping and praying for each other- for this heartbroken family. Once the final words are spoken, people begin to disperse. Hope is the one to thank people and invite them back to their home for a small reception. When she shakes hands with the last person, she looks over her shoulder and at Kelley’s small figure kneeling graveside. She swallows, and she thinks about wandering over and placing two hands on the younger woman’s shoulders, helping her up. But Hope assumes the worse and realizes that because she really doesn’t know what to do nor how to communicate anymore, she should walk away.

 

“Wait.”

 

Hope stops, her heart, mind, and feet all in conflict. She turns around and is met with a helpless and confused pair of hazel eyes. The sight itself almost reduces Hope to tears.

 

_“I need you too.”_

 

Hope doesn’t waste another moment and Kelley is soon in her arms, and they both shut their eyes, hold on to each other and the memories they have left, and allow the healing to begin.

 


	5. Thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hiatus is over (holy cow, can you believe it's been a year since the last update?). I'm sorry for the wait. I had to take a step back from this story- I tried rewriting it many different ways, but I think it became too much for me, so I let it be for awhile. But I'm glad to be back now! I hope to see it through to the end. Thank you to anyone who's willing to keep up with this again :)

 

_Day 31 //_

 

It’s been one whole month since the accident.

 

They navigate their new life as best as they can. With the service behind them and their family and friends giving them space, they finally have time to focus on themselves. Just the three of them. They feel lost more than ever, but Hope is optimistic. Perhaps it’s premature to label her feelings in such a positive light, but she likes to think that she has the most experience with these sort of situations. She had come face to face with adversity many times before, so she’s not surprised when life seems to test her again. She has faith that she can make it out of this, alone. She’s done it before. What keeps her up at night though is worrying about those around her. She doesn’t know how Kelley, and even Atticus, will endure this- and without them, she’s not so sure she can move on. Because this time, she doesn’t want to face adversity alone.

 

It’s easier with Atticus. He falls into his usual routine, school serving as a major distraction. Hope does her best to create an atmosphere that feels like old times, but at the same time tries to reach an understanding that their life is different now, and it’s okay to talk about it. Some days, he’s like any other five year old. He drinks chocolate milk after school, works on his puzzle, and asks Hope to read him a story before bed. But some days, he can’t fall asleep. He asks questions that no five year old should ever think of and cries because at the end of each day, the one thing he wishes for the most is to be able to play with his brother again. There are both good and bad days.

 

With Kelley though, there seems to be more bad days than good ones. She gets up each day, but doesn’t make the effort to be present. She occupies herself with small tasks around the house, never leaving unless she really needs to, and barely makes conversation with Atticus. It leaves Hope in a difficult position, having to parent the young boy alone, but she knows that maybe this is all that Kelley has to offer at the moment. They do talk about the baby on the way, but only because it’s the one conversation that doesn’t make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells, breaking underneath.

 

Hope yearns to be a family of four again, hoping that the newest member of the family could mend their broken hearts. She knows it’s been especially rough on Kelley, with the morning sickness finally striking at the late end of the first semester, but she remains hopeful that a new beginning isn’t necessarily a terrible thing.

 

Hope closes the picture book in her hand and plants a kiss on the forehead of her little boy, who’s fallen asleep. She tucks his blankets around him as carefully as possible, trying not to let the disheveled sheets on the upper bunk both her. They are untouched, and remain a task far too difficult to deal with. Hope closes the door behind her quietly, walking back into her room at the same time Kelley walks out of their adjacent bathroom. Her face is pale and she trembles with weakness as she buries herself back in bed. Hope sighs, feeling guilty that she can’t do more than place a couple saltine crackers and a glass of ginger ale by their bedside.

 

“Kel, I know nothing sounds appetizing to you right now, but please try to keep these down.” Hope calmly advises, sitting down next to her.

 

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” Kelley snaps back.

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Hope replies, gently placing her hand on Kelley’s shoulder. “I just hate seeing you like this. I feel so helpless.”

 

Kelley groans softly into her pillow and rolls over, a softer expression on her face. She apologizes, “I know, and I’m sorry.” Her voice fills with annoyance, “Why is this called morning sickness when it lasts all freaking day long?”

 

Hope smiles sympathetically. “It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

 

“Hard to believe.” Kelley scoffs, further muttering, “Everything’s hard to believe.”

 

Hope knows this is the closest they’d get to a difficult conversation, so she jumps at the opportunity. Rather direct, she asks, “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here…I just want to make sure you’re ready.”

 

Kelley props herself and shrugs, removing eye contact with Hope. “I won’t ever be ready, but I need to be.”

 

Hope takes that as a yes. She doesn’t know where to begin, but she starts with the one thing she thinks about almost every minute of the day. “I miss him so much.” She can’t even bare to say his name.

 

Kelley finally looks up, her eyes equally full of distraught. “Me too.” She shakes her head, telling Hope honestly, “I can’t do this anymore.”

 

“We’re going to get through this, Kelley, I promise you. If there’s one thing I’m certain about, it’s that we can’t go through this alone. We need each other, and I’m going to do everything I can to-”

 

“No, no...I can’t do _this_.” Kelley abruptly interrupts her, catching Hope off guard. She gestures at the space around them. “I can’t be here.”

 

“Here?”

 

“Everything reminds me of him. I’m walking down the stairs, and I hear his laugh in the hallways. I see him playing with his food at the dining table. When I look out the window, I see him juggling a ball around. I can’t do this. I can’t move on…not here.” Kelley does her best to explain.

 

“Okay…” Hope understands and offers, “I can start looking at house listings and-”

 

“Not around here.” Kelley interrupts for a second time.

 

“Where do you suggest then?” Hope cautiously asks.

 

“I don’t know…Seattle?”

 

“Seattle?!” Hope’s mouth gapes open. “Kel, this is where we started our life together. We can’t leave…what about our friends? I just don’t know if moving so far away is going to help.”

 

“Why not? You love Seattle.” Kelley argues, slightly confused as to Hope’s opposition towards her childhood home.

 

“I do.” Hope sighs. She truly loves the area, but had gotten so accustomed to their life in Jersey. She couldn’t see themselves anywhere else. She proposes, “Why not closer to family? Like in Georgia, near your parents?”

 

“No.” Kelley immediately replies. “I can’t be near them.”

 

Hope frowns, not quite understanding. “Kelley, you have to let others in. We need help.”

 

“Well, we would have your Mom.” Kelley points out.

 

“She lives hours outside the city…”

 

“I just can’t be near my family, okay?” Kelley’s decision is clear. She tries to make things as simple as possible. “Right now, I need you and Atticus. That’s all. You are my family. You understand, don’t you? Please, Hope. I need this.”

 

“I do, but I just think…” Hope’s voice trails at the touch of Kelley’s hand on her own, grasping at strength. She’s still reluctant, but she remembers that she can’t do this alone. She puts Kelley first. “Okay, okay…we’ll do what we need to do.” She wraps Kelley in her arms, pulling her close.

 

Kelley buries herself against the older woman’s chest, relieved to reach an agreement. She whispers her gratitude quietly. “Thank you.”

 

-

 

_Day 45 //_

They wait until Atticus finishes up the school year. The move shocks everyone, but they understand. They support the grieving family in any way that they can.  

 

Hope does some research, finding a small home in a suburb just outside the city. As the days go by and all their belongings become packed away into boxes, Hope finds herself mildly excited to return to the Pacific Northwest. She convinces herself that it’ll be good for Kelley, it’ll be good for all of them.

 

They land in Seattle, and as soon as they step off the plane, they’re greeted by the clean, crisp air. They take a breath of fresh air, ready for a fresh start.  

 


	6. Lightning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from my trip. Let's continue :)

 

_Day 60 //_

“And that’s the last box!” Hope exclaims, tossing pieces of cardboard to the pile in the middle of the living room. Hands on her hips, she looks down to Atticus beside her. “We’re officially unpacked!”

 

“Woohoo!” Atticus jumps playfully. He suggests, “We should celebrate.”

 

“Great minds think alike, buddy.” Hope smiles, running her hands through his hair. She looks towards Kelley, who’s seated on the couch. “What do you think, Kell?”

 

Kelley looks around for a moment before her expression brightens, matching those of her family. “I think that’s a great idea.”

 

Hope watches as Atticus runs over, tackling Kelley with a hug. It almost brings Hope to tears. They’re all she has now, and it had been breaking her to watch their relationship falter over the past few weeks. She never talked about it with Kelley, but it had been obvious that Kelley was distancing herself from their child. Hope can’t tell if it’s because he reminds her too much of Kaden or if she genuinely doesn’t have the energy to focus on anyone but herself, but she does know that she misses feeling like a family. Atticus is a good kid, never requiring much attention. He is smart though, and even if he doesn’t fully understand, he knows his mom is different. She’s hurting and he wants to help more than anything, but he doesn’t know how- so he too stays away. But no matter how hard he tries to be a “big kid,” he misses Kelley. He misses his mom.

 

But now, without the distraction of constantly being triggered by something that reminded them of Kaden, they could concentrate on each other. They could adjust to their new life in Seattle. They walk through downtown, pick up a bag up artisan chocolate chips exclusive to Seattle, and settle back into their kitchen to make everyone’s favorite chocolate chip cookies. Atticus stands on a stool in the middle of his two parents. He watches Hope pour flour into the mixing bowl and reaches over to snag a couple chocolate chips from the bag in Kelley’s hand.

 

Hope snickers, “I see you, Atty.”

 

Atticus’ eyes widen, “But Mommy’s eating them too!”

 

Hope eyes the both of them, playfully reprimanding, “Save some for the actual cookies.”

 

“But…but…” Atticus pauses to think. “But I’m a growing boy!”

 

“And I’m literally growing.” Kelley adds her own logic, resting one hand on her midsection and using the other to pop another handful in her mouth.

 

Hope shakes her head, turning to grab the sugar. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kelley pour almost half the bag of chips into Atticus’ hands. “Hey! You guys, seriously! We won’t have enough!”

 

Kelley grins mischievously, high fiving her son beside her. Their laughter becomes contagious and Hope forgets why she’s scolding them in the first place. The cookies finally make it in and out of the oven, mostly thanks to Hope, and the family of three end up on the floor munching away on their mid afternoon snack and playing a game of chutes and ladders.

 

Atticus wins the game. He laughs when Hope pleads for a rematch and watches as she wraps her arms lovingly around Kelley who’s settled in front of her, in between her legs. For the first time in awhile, he feels truly at home. But his five year old mind can’t help but ask a question that’s been bothering him the whole day.

 

His tone softens, “Mama? Mommy?”

 

“Yeah?” Hope and Kelley reply in unison.

 

“Do you think he’s mad that we’re having fun without him?” Atticus asks timidly.

 

Hope feels Kelley tense in her arms. She answers, “Of course not, buddy. Kaden wants us to have fun because that’s what makes us happy.”

 

“Oh, okay.” Atticus looks down, playing with the dice in his hands. He murmurs, “I miss him a lot.”

 

“We do too.” Hope echoes. “Remember what we talked about, Atty?” Her son’s eyes look up to meet her own as she points to her chest, “He’s always having fun with us…in here.”

 

“I know.” Atticus shrugs sadly.

 

Kelley speaks up for the first time, gently removing herself from Hope’s lap. “I’m going to start cleaning up the kitchen.” She walks out.

 

“But Mommy, I thought we were going to play another game!” Atticus calls after her before shrinking back into his position. He sighs dejectedly, knowing that he shouldn’t have brought up his brother since every time he did, Kelley would shut down and turn cold.

 

Hope sighs, preparing herself to do damage control as usual. She looks at her son sympathetically and reassures him, “I’m going to help your mom. It’ll make clean up go faster. Why don’t you set up the game for us again? We’ll be right back.”

 

Atticus nods while Hope walks down the hall to their kitchen. She stands in the doorway, watching Kelley maneuver around the kitchen and occupy herself with anything that needed to be washed. Hope asks her, “You alright?”

 

“Yeah.” Kelley responds, turning the kitchen faucet on. “I just want to make sure the kitchen is clean for dinner.”

 

“Dinner is hours away.”

 

“I know.” Kelley shrugs, continuing to wash everything in her sight.

 

Hope finally walks over, turning the faucet off. She grabs Kelley’s arms, “Put those down.” Kelley reluctantly listens, leaving a sponge and bowl in the sink. Hope gives her time.

 

Kelley’s eyes finally meet Hope’s, and her expression isn’t far from her son’s just moments ago. She speaks loud enough for only Hope to hear. “What if he does hate us for moving on?”

 

“He doesn’t.” Hope simply replies.

 

“How do you know that?” Kelley stresses, panic starting to settle in. Her breathing gets heavier, “I just…I’m trying, Hope. I want to have these conversations with Atticus, but I just don’t know how. I know you think I’ve been a terrible mom lately, but I-”

 

“I don’t think that, Kelley.” Hope’s voice is stern. “I know you’re trying.”

 

“I’m not like you, Hope.” Kelley admits, “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you can talk to him about these things, how you can move on. I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t do it…” Her voice shakes, “I’m so selfish, I know. I’m not…oh god, Hope, I’m _selfish_. Hope, I’m not there.”

 

“Kelley…” Hope grips the shorter woman’s shoulders, attempting to talk her down.

 

“Oh my god.” Kelley repeats, realization dawning over her. “I’m not there anymore. We moved here because I’m so selfish. Damn it, Hope, I left him!”

 

“Shhh…” Hope tries to comfort her, “It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay for us to be happy…he wants us to be happy.”

 

“No,” Kelley shakes her head vigorously, “He’d want us to be with him. I left him, Hope!” She exclaims before gently saying, “I need to see him.”

 

Kelley quickly exits the kitchen. Hope follows her to their bedroom and watches as she pulls out a carry on from their closet and throws it on the bed. “What are you doing?”

 

“I need to see him.” Kelley repeats, throwing in clothes as quickly as she can. “I have to go back to Jersey.”

 

Hope takes a few steps towards her. She stops Kelley from lifting the luggage off their bed, “Hey, stop before you hurt yourself. Kelley, you need to breathe.” She’s gripping both of Kelley’s hands now. She takes a deep breath herself.

 

“No! I have to see him!” Kelley struggles against Hope, her breathing labored.

 

“Deep breath, please!” Hope instructs her urgently. She stares long and hard at Kelley until she feels the younger woman succumb to her. “There you go, shhh…”

 

“I need to see him.” Kelley pleads.

 

“I know…so do I.” Hope admits in a whisper.

 

Kelley’s eyes grow larger. “You do?”

 

“I think about him all the time.” Hope tells her, “I might act like everything’s okay, but deep down, I know it’s not. I don’t know what moving on looks like, but I do know that we have to. I feel the same way, Kelley- and I think Atticus does too.”

 

“I thought it was just me.”

 

“You aren’t alone.” Hope holds Kelley’s hands, intertwining their fingers. “We’ll all leave on the first available flight tomorrow morning, okay?”

 

Kelley’s breathing slowly returns to normal. She nods, “You promise?”

 

“I promise. I’ll go look at tickets right now.” Hope bends down to kiss Kelley’s forehead. She murmurs, “Whatever it takes.”

 

Kelley sighs, leaning in to Hope’s affection. “Thank you.”   

 

-

 

Later that night, Hope wakes up in a daze. She lifts her head to the empty space beside her and tries to make sense of her dark surroundings, “Kell?”

 

There’s no response, but she sees the bathroom light on and hears the toilet flushing not just once, but twice. Hope waits a few minutes, but worry settles in, and she makes her way towards the dim light shining from underneath the locked door. Putting her head against the door, she asks, “Kelley, are you alright?” Again, no response. But just moments later, she hears a groan followed by sounds indicative of retching. Hope jostles the doorknob, “Open the door, Kelley.”

 

“Leave me alone.” A tired voice finally answers from inside.

 

“That’s not going to happen! I don’t understand how you think that being alone will-” Hope is interrupted by Kelley’s movements. She grimaces at the sound. She knows it won’t help to pick a fight, so she offers, “Can I bring you anything?” Hope is greeted with silence, so she just waits. The morning sickness doesn’t lighten up for the next hour and by then, Hope is pacing back and forth outside the door. She hates being shut out. Her voice fills with urgency, “Kelley, please, you don’t have to do this alone!”

 

The toilet flushes once again and Hope hears Kelley walk towards the door. But instead of opening it, she sees Kelley’s shadow as she takes a seat on the floor, her back slumped against the door.

 

Hope tries again, “Please let me in. Let me help you.”

 

“You can’t.” Kelley weakly responds from the other side.

 

Hope, too, slides down against the door, the barrier between them. She knows there’s nothing else she can do, so she just sits. She tells Kelley as lovingly as possible, “I’ll be here.” Hope sits in silence, but it isn’t long before she hears Kelley’s uneven breathing and the sound of her emotional release. Reality dawns on Hope that there’s always going to be bad nights, bad days. It breaks her.

 

Hope doesn’t know how to cope without Kelley, so she waits. She waits up with Kelley until exhaustion takes over and they’re both sound asleep. It’s not until early the next morning that the door flies open, rudely awakening Hope.

 

Kelley rushes out, bags under her eyes and hair disheveled. She urgently informs, “We’re going to be late.”

 

“Late?” Hope yawns, her eyes adjusting to the lights.

 

“Come on, Hope, wake up.” Kelley quickly changes, “We have to be at the airport in an hour.”

 

Hope remembers the day before and slowly gets up. Still worried about Kelley’s rough night, she cautiously asks, “Are you feeling better?”

 

“Yeah, of course. I’m fine.” Kelley’s a whirlwind now and there’s no stopping her. She demands, “I’ll get our stuff together. You just get Atticus. Let’s go. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

 

Hope sighs. Everything is _all_ but fine.   

 

-

 

At the airport, they make it through security rather quickly. Hope finds them a row of seats in the waiting area. She nervously keeps her eye on Kelley, who’s already paid the restrooms more than one visit. She hears the boarding call for their flight and just as they begin to gather their belongings, she notices Kelley pale quickly and curse under her breath. Hope anxiously stands up, but she’s too late as Kelley’s already bolted towards the bathroom once again. She balls her hands into a fist. She’s never felt so hopeless in her life.

 

“Mommy?” Atticus looks up from his book, seeing Kelley fade behind the bathroom doors.

 

Hope pushes her worries aside, continuing to gather their things. “Come on, buddy, we’re going to get on the airplane soon.”

 

Atticus can’t stop staring, his expression filling with worry. He puts his backpack on and leans into Hope. “Is Mommy going to be okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah…she’s fine.” Hope tries to reassure him, knowing he’s a sensitive kid.

 

“Is she sick?”

 

Hope opens her mouth, but quickly closes it. They haven’t told him about the baby, yet another conversation they need to have. While the baby would be a good distraction, they didn’t want Atticus to think they were replacing his brother. Hope sighs, “Don’t worry, Atty. Mommy will feel better soon enough.”

 

He nods his understanding while Hope looks down at her watch. Their flight couldn’t wait forever. She begins to walk towards the restrooms, but stops as Kelley walks out. Their eyes meet and before Hope can realize what’s happening, Kelley’s in her arms. The younger woman buries herself into her chest, not able to contain her tears. Hope holds her close, kissing her head softly and soothing her as best as she could. “I’m sorry, babe.”

 

“I feel awful.” Kelley groans, wiping her tears away.

 

“I know…” Hope looks at her sympathetically. “I wish I could take your pain away…all of it.”

 

They hear the final boarding call and Kelley ushers them, “We have to go.”

 

“Kelley, wait.” Hope stops her, “Look, you aren’t well. We don’t need to do this now.”

 

“No, no…” Kelley’s face lights up, stubborn as ever. “I have to do this.”

 

“I don’t want you hurting-”

 

“Well I am, okay? And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Kelley says truthfully. “I already told you. This isn’t just something that I want. It’s something that I _have_ to do. I need to see him.”

 

Kelley doesn’t give Hope another chance to respond. She walks ahead of them, hands her ticket in, and boards the flight. There’s nothing Hope can do other than to hold Atticus’ hand and follow in suit.

 


	7. Dawn

_// Day 100_

The morning light shines through the kitchen as Hope stands at the stove. She turns around with a pan in her hand, flipping the last pancake onto the plate that Atticus holds out for her. She proudly tells him, “Okay, there’s your two chocolate chip pancakes in the shape of mickey mouse.”

 

“Whoa!” Atticus eyes light up as he sits down with his plate, quickly grabbing the can of whipped cream.

 

Kelley walks into the kitchen and leans over his chair, kissing him softly on the head and smiling, “Happy first day of school, buddy.”

 

Hope sits down next to her son, a chuckle escaping her lips as she watches him scarf down his food. “Are you excited?” Atticus nods excitedly with his mouth full.

 

Kelley walks over to the hot water heater, pouring herself a morning cup of tea. Sitting down with everyone else, she takes her first sip. “Are you going to miss us?” Atticus grins, knowing that big kids don’t get scared, and just shakes his head no.

 

Hope tries to speak more words of encouragement. “You’re a good boy, Atty. All grown up. You get to spend the whole day with your teacher and classmates. How fun.”

 

Atticus’ expression falls, but only slightly. Confused, he stares at both his parents. “You won’t come to get me at lunch?”

 

“Not this time. But you get to have lunch with all your new friends that you’re going to make. You’ll also get time on the playground!” Hope points out.

 

“What if I just want to read my book?” Atticus asks, setting down his fork on his empty plate.

 

“But the playground has swings. You love swings!” Hope counters.

 

Atticus is quiet for a moment before his eyes light up with an idea. “Well I can just read my book on the swings!”

 

Kelley can’t help but laugh, side eyeing Hope. “I swear, you _are_ your Mama’s boy.”

 

“Kelley!” Hope exclaims, laughing too. She turns her attention back to their son and instructs, “Alright, Atticus, you better go brush your teeth and change. Mommy can help you get ready. I’ll do the dishes.” She watches as Kelley stands up and motions him to follow.

 

Hope washes everything and packs the dishwasher tight when Atticus runs back into the kitchen, fully dressed for school. “I’m all ready!”

 

Hope looks at her son from head to toe. He’s dressed in jeans, a button up shirt, and the new bow tie he picked out just for the first day. She feels the deep hole in her heart ache as she realizes that this is just one of many firsts they’ll never get to experience with Kaden. Fortunately, Kelley appears, distracting her from letting her emotions get the best of her.

 

“He’s going to be a hit with the ladies.” Kelley teases her son, winking at him in effect.

 

Atticus’ face scrunches up in disgust. “Ew, I don’t like girls, Mommy. I just want to look smart!” He grins cheekily before realizing, “Oh, I forgot my backpack in my room.”

 

Kelley watches him run off, completely dumbfounded. She side eyes Hope for the second time, “Yeah, he’s for sure yours.”

 

Hope rolls her eyes, shoving Kelley playfully. She’s glad that everything was going well, that Kelley was finally finding some light despite their dark circumstances. She quickly ushers them all out of the house and well on their way to school.

 

-

 

They are first greeted by Atticus’ teacher, who seems very sweet and a perfect fit for him. She gives them a quick tour around the classroom and they mingle with other parents sharing this bittersweet moment. When it finally comes time for parents to say goodbye, Atticus shrinks into Kelley, gripping her jeans firmly.

 

Hope rubs his back, trying to reassure him, “Remember what we talked about? You’re going to have so much here.”

 

Atticus looks around before quietly murmuring his fear. “I don’t want you to go.”

 

Kelley decides to bend down, becoming level with the five year old boy. She holds his hands, telling him gently, “We will be right here to pick you up at the end of the day.”

 

Atticus immediately throws his arms around Kelley’s neck, hugging her for dear life. He mumbles again, “No, I want you to stay.”

 

Kelley just hugs him back, feeling a couple tears stain the back of her shirt. She whispers, “You’re a big boy now, Atty. I know you can do this.”

 

Atticus finally pulls away, sniffling, “But…but…Mommy, what if you get sick and you need me to lay with you?”

 

Kelley realizes his fears stem deeper than what they might expect. He’s a smart kid; he knows something’s been off with Kelley lately. She’s touched by his thoughtfulness, nevertheless- he has the same sincerity as Hope that makes her fall hard. “Oh thank you, sweet boy. But I’m feeling a lot better now. Mama’s going to be with me all day and she’ll take good care of me.” She looks up at Hope before trying a different tactic, “How about this, at the end of the day, we’ll get ice cream together. Would you like that?”

 

Atticus listens, following up with, “Can I get ice cream and chocolate milk?”

 

Kelley smiles at his bartering. “Only if you listen to your teacher and have so much fun at school.”

 

“Okay…” Atticus begins to give in, taking his backpack from Hope. He looks at them both one last time, “You promise you’ll pick me up?”

 

“I promise.” Kelley nods.

 

Atticus hugs Kelley tight before running off to join the rest of his classmates. For the first time in awhile, Hope sees love fill Kelley’s eyes. She comments to her softly, “Definitely a mama’s boy.”

 

-

 

Hope and Kelley spend their free time running errands all day. They pick up groceries and restock the fridge, and then make their way to the specialty furniture store for babies and walk up and down aisles for hours looking at cribs. After settling on the perfect one, they stop for lunch.

 

Pulling out her phone, Kelley mentions, “So my next doctor’s appointment is about a month away. Are you free on the first Monday of October?”

 

“Don’t know off the top of my head, but I’ll clear my schedule.” Hope replies, finishing up her iced latte.

 

“That’d be awesome.” Kelley nods, scrolling through the rest of her calendar mindlessly.

 

Hope watches her in silence for a few moments and notices her genuinely calm demeanor. She observes out loud, “You seem to be feeling a lot better this week.”

 

“Yeah,” Kelley shrugs, “It seems like the worse of the morning sickness is over.”

 

“I’m glad,” Hope tells her honestly, “Now I know how you must’ve felt watching me. I hated seeing you like that.”

 

Kelley looks up from her phone, her eyes piercing Hope. “I’m healing.” She doesn’t have to say anything more.

 

Hope decides to bring up something that’s been on her mind. “You know, I’ve been thinking, we really need to tell Atticus about the baby.” She watches Kelley nervously, looking for any sudden changes in her expression.

 

“Oh, right.” Kelley says, rather platonically.

 

Hope shares her reasoning. “I just don’t want it to be a huge surprise for him.”

 

“I think it’s going to be huge, regardless.” Kelley points out before sighing. “We can’t wait a little longer?”

 

“Kell, we both know he’s too observant to not ask about why your stomach is growing so big.” Hope reminds her.

 

“True.”

 

Hope can tell by her one worded response that she’s hesitant. She pries, “Is there a reason we shouldn’t tell him?”

 

“No, no…” Kelley quickly manages to get out. “He’s going to find out eventually. I just…I just want to make sure we do this right. I know you’re thinking it too, Hope.” Her voice shakes slightly, “I don’t want him thinking this baby is a replacement.”

 

“Kelley, he won’t think that.” Hope half-heartedly convinces her, as deep down, this worried her too.

 

“But what if he does? He’s smart.”

 

“Atticus is smart for his age, but at the end of the day, he’s still a five year old. He’s going to be so excited about being a big brother, that those thoughts won’t even cross his mind.” Hope tries to convince her own self with her words.

 

“Yeah, I guess so…” Kelley finally relents, “We can try telling him after school today.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Hope knows she’s taking a shot in the dark, but she continues, “You know we can’t keep this a secret forever. Atty isn’t the only one who we need to talk to. You’re already starting to show.”

 

“Well, Carli already knows, right? Who else?”

 

“Our families!” Hope exclaims in disbelief, “My mom’s coming over next weekend, so we can tell her then.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Hope pauses before prompting Kelley, “And what about your parents and siblings? Don’t you think we should give them a call?”

 

Kelley folds her arms, an act of defense. She mutters, “It’s not their business.”

 

Hope shakes her head, not understanding at all while Kelley’s being the most stand offish from her own family. She reprimands, “Kelley, this baby is going to be part of the family now, so it is their business as much as it is ours. Like you said earlier, you’re healing. I am too. I just think that letting our families in will help us with moving forward. We don’t need a huge announcement or anything. All I’m asking is for our families and close friends to know about the baby.”

 

“But what if they think this is all happening too fast?” Kelley’s fears finally come to surface.

 

“Like we’re replacing Kaden?” Hope begins to realize that maybe Kelley’s the one who needs convincing that despite them having a new baby, they’ll always save a special place for Kaden in their hearts. “This isn’t our fault, okay? We found out you were pregnant before accident. We have no control over this timing.”

 

Kelley remains quiet, thinking hard. She knows she’s just afraid of their new lives, so she gives in once again. “Fine, we’ll tell them.”

 

“Okay. Good. Thank you.” Hope grabs Kelley’s hand as a sign of unity. She weakly smiles, “They’re going to be so happy for us. I just know it.” She pauses before bravely asking, “You are too, right?”

 

Kelley looks up at her and nods, offering her own smile in return. “Yeah, I’m happy.”

 

Hope brings Kelley in close, whispering, “We aren’t going to forget about him. _Ever_.” She feels Kelley cling on to her tight and they stay like that until Hope breaks them apart, standing, “Come on, let’s go pick up our kid.”

 

-

The small family gathers around a table at the corner of the neighborhood favorite ice cream shop. Hope and Kelley watch in pure admiration and delight as Atticus goes on and on about school in between licks of ice cream.

 

Kelley can’t help but laugh at the speed of Atticus’ movements and words, “Slow down, bud. You’re going to choke on your ice cream.” She smiles, “I’m glad you had lots of fun.”

 

“I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”

 

The two parents share a look of relief before Hope begins the conversation they talked about having earlier. “Atticus, your Mommy and I want to talk to you about something.”

 

“Am I getting a puppy?” Atticus’ eyes widen.

 

“That’s the chocolate milk talking.” Hope raises a brow.

 

“Aw, please! I really really want one!”

 

Hope shakes her head, “You’re not getting a puppy, but you are getting something else. In fact, it’s better than a puppy.” Finally capturing Atticus’ fully undivided attention, she looks over at Kelley who nods in reassurance. She continues, “Atticus, you know how Mommy’s been getting sick a lot lately?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“It’s because there’s a baby inside her tummy.”

 

Atticus’ jaw drops and Hope knows that if he hadn’t already finished his ice cream cone, that would’ve been dropped too. His eyes grow bigger and bigger. “A…baby?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Whoa…” Atticus stares at Kelley’s stomach, eventually pointing directly at it, “Why is it in mommy’s tummy?”

 

Hope chuckles at his innocence. “The baby is really tiny right now, but it’s staying in Mommy’s tummy for now so that it can grow big enough to come out.”

 

“Well what happens after it comes out? Who’s going to come pick it up?” Atticus begins to fire questions.

 

“Well, the baby isn’t exactly going anywhere. It’s going to stay with us.” Hope tries to explain in another way, “Atty, you’re going to be a big brother!”

 

“Awesome!!!” Atticus shouts, earning looks from all over the shop. He gets out of his seat and walks to Kelley, hugging her tightly. Kelley can only return his kind gesture, her anxiety calming down instantly. He looks back towards Hope, “Do you think the baby will like to play with me? Or read with me?”

 

“Of course!”

 

“Do I get to feed the baby too?”

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

“Good, I don’t want the baby to cry because it’s hungry.”

 

Kelley looks down at their sweet son, bringing him close. “You’re such a good big brother already.” She receives a look of relief from Hope. This wasn’t so bad after all.

 

“But Mommy, how did the baby get inside your tummy?”

 

Kelley laughs, replying while she ruffles his hair playfully, “I think that’s enough questions for the day. Just drink your chocolate milk.”


	8. Stars

 

_// Day 145_

“Are you ready?” Hope asks one last time, taking her phone out.

 

“Yeah!!!” Atticus screams, clapping his hands together excitedly.

 

Hope locks eyes with Kelley, eagerly waiting for answer. Kelley takes a deep breath, steadying her reservations about making a big announcement. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

Hope nods, and begins to dial. They finally decided to share their news with their families. They spent the previous weekend with her Mom, who was nothing short of overjoyed for them. Kelley had managed well, so Hope suggested they facetime her parents and siblings next. Thankfully, Kelley agreed.

 

The phone finally connects and voices greet them. “There they are! Good morning!”

 

“Hey, guys!” Hope waves at the screen before here, genuinely happy to see all of her in-laws. Kelley waves quietly, putting on a smile. Hope asks, “How are you all?”

 

“We’re doing well. Just finished having brunch together.” Dan speaks for them.

 

“I want to see! I want to see!” Atticus tugs on Hope’s legs. Hope bends down to share the screen with him. He grins, “Hi Grandma! Hi Grandpa!”

 

“Hey buddy! How’s school going?” Karen asks, wishing they could all be together in person.  

 

“I love it! I’ve made lots of new friends and I have a really nice teacher.”

 

“Is that Atty?!” Voices in the background shout, rushing over.

 

Atticus giggles waving to the newest faces on the screen. “Hi Uncle Jerry! Hi Aunty Erin!”

 

“We miss you, bud!”

 

“I miss you too!” Atticus smiles. He suddenly grabs Hope, whispering loudly in her hear, “Can we tell them now?”

 

Hope chuckles at the little boy’s impatience. She nods, “Alright. Mom, Dad, and everyone, Atty has something to show you.” She flips the camera to show Atticus’ full body. He stands proudly with his hands on his hips.

 

Dan inches closer to the screen, slowly reading, “World’s…Best…”

 

Erin gasps in the background before their dad could finish reading. Jerry’s hugging his wife all while shouting his disbelief. Atticus begins to laugh and jump around, causing Hope’s grin to get even bigger while watching all of their reactions. Karen has a hand over her mouth, still totally speechless.

 

“What?” Dan’s still confused, trying to keep up with everyone’s surprised reactions. “What’s going on?”

 

Erin points and yells, “Dad, read Atty’s shirt!”

 

“Well I’m trying to! Atty, son, you have to stop moving. Your grandpa’s a slow reader.” He mutters to himself again, “World’s…Best…Big…Brother.” He just finishes when his eyes begin to grow wide. “Are you serious?”

 

Hope takes the camera, flips the screen back around, and sets it down on the table before them so that all three of them are in view. She lets Atticus climb on her lap as Kelley sits beside her, revealing her small bump. Kelley offers her best smile, confirming, “I’m pregnant.”

 

“Way to go, sis!” Jerry shouts from the background.

 

Erin quickly grabs the camera, her face shining brightly. “Oh my god, I can’t believe it, Kell. I’m so happy for you guys! Do you know how far along you are?”

 

“Yeah, just about five months.” Kelley admits.

 

“Already? Wow, gosh. Time flies…”

 

Hope feels Kelley tense beside her and decides to intervene a bit. “Everything is starting to fall back into place for us…it feels natural, it feels good.”

 

Erin nods in agreement, handing the phone back to her parents. Karen still hasn’t said a word, her eyes already getting tear. She looks up and down at Kelley, sighing in relief, “Oh honey…”

 

Dan shrugs, “Timing couldn’t be more perfect.”

 

“What do you mean by that, Dad?” Kelley’s tone suddenly shifts, her arms crossing. Hope can already tell her walls are starting to build up.

 

Dan’s caught slightly off guard. He stutters, “I don’t…I just am glad to see you doing so well, that’s all. This baby seems like it’s a really good…thing…for you guys.”

 

Kelley frowns, “Well of course it’s a good thing.”

 

“Kelley, sweetheart, we aren’t trying to-”

 

“Do you think we shouldn’t have another one? Because believe it or not, we talked about this long before…”

 

Hope sighs, quickly taking the phone and cutting Kelley off to diffuse the situation. “We’ve been planning this for some time now. It’s kept us busy, that’s for sure, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We actually have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for today.”

 

“Which we’re going to be late for if we don’t start heading out soon.” Kelley points out.

 

Hope tries to ignore Kelley, but knows she’s right. “Yeah, we really do need to get going, but hey, we can’t wait to see you all at Thanksgiving! That’s still the plan, right?”  

 

“Yes! It is!” Karen gratefully follows Hope’s lead. “We booked flights the other day, so I’ll have Erin send over the confirmation details. It’ll be lovely to be together again.”

 

Hope nods, and then lets Atticus say goodbye to everyone before hanging up. She hopes Kelley’s alright, but she doesn’t want to have a conversation in front of him. She waits until they drop him off at Pinoe’s place on the way to the doctor’s for a routine ultrasounds.. She observes Kelley out of the corner of her eye, pointing out, “You’re a little quiet.” Kelley continues to stare out the window in silence. Hope brings up, “I’m glad we told everyone…”

 

Kelley nods, murmuring, “Yeah…I’m glad it’s over.”

 

Hope grimaces, still not sure why Kelley still seemed to distance herself from her family. Was she embarrassed? She wishes she could read her wife’s mind, but instead with one hand gripping the steering wheel, she uses the other to reach over and take Kelley’s hand. She lovingly intertwines their fingers. “You okay?”

 

Kelley gently squeezes her hand in return. Looking over, she nods in reassurance. “Yeah, a little nervous about the appointment, but nothing out of the ordinary. I’m good.” She truly means it. She’s been sleeping longer each night and getting by each day with more strength than before. Ever since they told Atticus about the baby, he wanted to be involved in just about everything- from nursery themes to baby clothes, he always had an opinion or question. Hope and Kelley found it endearing, but mostly relieved that he had taken the news so well. It made it easier on them, too, even if announcing it to the rest of their family wasn’t on the top of Kelley’s to do list. All she knew was that growing their family might just be exactly what they needed to heal- and of course, monthly trips back to Jersey. Kelley lived for those trips. Despite their life in Seattle slowly taking shape, she needed their son to know that they’d never forget about him. Hope slowly pulls into a parking spot and turns off the car. She’s about to get out when Kelley’s grip on her hand only tightens. “Wait.”

 

Hope relaxes in her seat. She gives Kelley her fully attention. “Kell, are you sure that-”

 

“We get to find out today.”

 

“Find out what?”

 

“If we’re having a boy or girl.”

 

“Oh.” Hope realizes but still not sure where Kelley was heading.

 

“Well do you want to know?”

 

Hope notices as Kelley makes eye contact with her for the first time throughout the entire ride. She thinks for a moment, remembering what they decided with the twins. She shrugs, “I think you know my answer.”

 

“So you don’t want to?”

 

Hope shrugs again, “We decided not to with the twins, right? I liked it. It kept things exciting, you know.” She realizes that Kelley had averted her eyes once again. She’s not sure what answer Kelley’s looking for. “But if you want to do things differently this time around, I understand. I honestly don’t have a set preference. I’d love our baby the same.” When she still doesn’t receive a response from Kelley, she asks her point blank, “Do you want to know?”

 

“Yes.” Kelley all but blurts out. “It’ll be easier, I think. I’d love to start buying clothes already and don’t you think Atticus would like to know? I know he hasn’t asked us yet, but you know that question’s coming. Plus, I’m so impatient.”

 

“Well then we have our answer.”

For the first time since the accident, Hope sees Kelley’s eyes genuinely light up with excitement. She can only smile and help her out of the car. They’re settled immediately into a room where their doctor greets them. They keep their eyes glued to the tiny screen in the room. Kelley’s hand finds Hope’s when a little blob suddenly appears and a heartbeat fills the room. The doctor observes the baby’s vitals in silence, which seems like forever and causes Hope to interrupt sooner.

 

“Is everything alright?” Hope can’t help her anxious tone.

 

The doctor smiles right back at them and nods. “Perfect. Your baby’s growing right on track and all vitals are in a good range.” Hope lets out a small sigh in relief. The doctor turns to Kelley, “How are you doing, Mama?”

 

“Really great.” Kelley, too, is grinning from ear to ear as she just stares at the little life inside of her.

 

“That’s want we want to hear. The baby will continue to grow and you should be noticing some kicks here and there. All of that is perfectly normal. Feel free to contacting me any time though if you have questions or concerns.” The doctor returns her attention to the screen, squinting hard. “Now for the exciting part…you wanted  to find out your baby’s gender, yes?”

 

Hope’s about to open her mouth in agreement when Kelley beats her to it. “Actually, I don’t want to.”

 

Hope frowns at Kelley’s sudden change in mind. “You don’t?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But you said in the car...”

 

“I just decided not to.” Kelley shrugs, trying to explain further, “We didn’t know with the twins, so why not keep it the same?”

 

“Uhh…alright.” Hope’s still a tad confused by Kelley’s choice. Looking at the doctor, she smiles anyways, “Whatever she wants.”

 

_// Day 150_

Hope and Kelley settle down on the swing set on the back of Carli’s porch. They arrived just moments ago and after settling a tired Atticus in his room, they grabbed some drinks, and headed out back. Carli opens the sliding door and hands them a blanket. “Here you go. It’s been getting chilly around here.” She settles down in her own chair, observing mindlessly, “I think we’re going to have a rough winter.”

 

“That’s what people are saying back in Seattle as well.” Hope comments, throwing the blanket over Kelley and herself.

 

Carli watches as Kelley snuggles closer to Hope as time goes on. She remarks softly, “You two look good.”

Hope smiles in return. “You all settled in?”

 

“Yeah, pretty much. We’ve definitely got our routine. I forgot how much I love Seattle…it’s really a beautiful place, especially this time of year. We actually had dinner with Pinoe the other day.”

 

“Oh yeah? It’s been a while since I talked to her.”

 

“Same old, same old.” Hope chuckles thinking of their friend. She jokes, “I’m not sure I want Atty spending too much time with her…”

 

“Yeah, you better be careful with that crazy aunty.” Carli laughs along. She turns to look directly at Kelley. “How about you, Kell? You definitely look better than when I last saw you, color in your face and all. No more morning sickness?”

 

“All gone, thank goodness.” Kelley grins before continuing to fill their friend in. “We actually had another appointment just before coming here. According to the doc, everything looks good. We even-” Kelley suddenly brings a hand to her stomach, letting out a gasp in surprise. “Oh my god.”

 

Hope jolts in panic, staring at Kelley and looking for any signs of distress. “What?”

 

“It moved.” Kelley speaks slowly, her mouth gaping open in awe.

 

Hope immediately rests her hand on Kelley’s bump, her eyes also filling with wonder. She exclaims, “That’s a kick!” She turns to her best friend, “Carli, you have to feel this!” The older woman obliges, also feeling quite literally the miracle of life.

 

“Oh, this one is definitely going to be a striker.” Hope jokes.

 

Kelley rolls her eyes, “How do we know those aren’t hands? Could be a keeper, too.”

 

“No, no, this kid has your blood. Those are for sure kicks from really strong legs.” Hope’s dead serious.

 

Kelley can’t help but laugh, getting Carli to laugh along with her. Carli agrees with Hope though, “I don’t know, Kell, you might have a runner faster than you. Good luck keeping up.”

 

Kelley looks down, still feeling every kick. “What a strange feeling.”

 

When the jokes and laughter die down, Carli looks at them both. She tells them honestly, “I’m so happy for you guys.”

 

“That means a lot to us. Thanks, Car.” Hope replies.  

 

Carli then questions, “What does Atticus think?”

 

“Oh, he’s nonstop when it comes to the baby. He has so many questions. It’s adorable.” Hope tells her.  

 

Kelley looks back in towards the house. “Speaking of Atty, we should wake him up before dinner. He’ll never sleep tonight.”

 

“I’ll go get him.” Not more than five minutes later, Hope returns with a tired little boy. But once, he sees his favorite aunt, he runs over and gives her a hug.

 

“Hey, sweetie.” Carli hugs him closely.

 

Atticus pulls away, all exhaustion having left his bright blue eyes. “Aunty Carli, guess what?!”

 

Carli chuckles at his poor attempt to contain his excitement, having a slight idea of where this was heading. “Hmmm…what?”

 

“I’m going to be a big brother!” Atticus shouts, giggling.

 

“Whoa! Is that so?”

 

“Yes! I’ve already been a really good big brother. I helped Mama paint the walls of the baby’s room and I helped Mommy choose toys. I even picked out a little stuffed animal all by myself!”

 

“Aw, buddy, that’s so sweet of you. You must be great help to your mommies.” Carli comments as Atticus wonders slowly over to his parents, leaning into them as they hug him close. He eventually climbs atop the swing set with them.

 

His full attention towards Kelley’s bump, he whispers softly, “Hello? Baby?”

 

Kelley laughs softly, guiding Atticus’ hand to lay it on the bump. She instructs, “Just wait a moment.”

 

A couple seconds later, Atticus’ head whips up as he looks frantically between his two mothers. He’s bewildered by the touch. “Mommy, did you feel that?! There was a little push!”

 

“That’s the baby kicking.” Kelley explains to him.

 

“Really?”Atticus now places both hands on her, eagerly waiting for another interaction. He giggles loudly and leans closer. “Hi baby sister, I’m Atticus. I’m going to be your big brother!” He feels another push against his hands and his entire face lights up. “Mommy, she knows me! She knows I’m her big brother!”

 

Before Hope and Kelley could even open their mouths, Carli beats them to it. She tilts her head out of curiosity, “It’s a girl? When did you find out?”

 

“Uhm, well, we didn’t.” Hope begins, further explaining, “We want it to be a surprise actually, like the last time.”

 

“Oh…” Carli pauses to think. She gently corrects, “Atticus, sweetie, you may not get a baby sister. There’s a chance you could get a baby brother, you know that right?”

 

“A brother?” Atticus perks up slightly before shrugging back against his parents. He doesn’t say another word.

 

Hope nudges him softly, “Are you alright, buddy?’

 

Atticus looksback up to his mother. “I just want a baby sister, that’s all…I already have a brother.” He speaks with the kind of logic that only a five year old holds.

 

Hope feels her chest tighten and it’s suddenly more difficult to breathe in the air around them. She glances over to Kelley, who predictably has her head down, refusing to make eye contact. She’s at a loss for words, but fortunately Carli notices and does her best to lend a helping hand.

 

“Hey, Atty, did you know that it’s okay to have more than brother? It’s really awesome, actually. Little brothers love looking up to their older brothers, and you’ll always have someone to play with.”

 

“I guess…” Atticus shrugs, failing to convince any of the adults around him that he understood.

 

Carli sighs and gets up, offering a hand towards him. “Why don’t you and I get started on dinner?” Atticus jumps off the swing and takes his Aunt’s hand, following in her direction.

 

Hope and Kelley are left alone outside, thinking the exact same thing without having to say anything at all. It only takes a few minutes of silence before Kelley leans her head against Hope’s chest, muttering the possibility. “What if it’s a boy?”

 

Hope tries to reason, “Atticus will learn to love the new baby. Once the baby’s born, I’m sure he’ll be so infatuated that he won’t care whether it’s a boy or girl.” She sighs. “Kelley, he’s going to be just fine.”

 

Kelley mumbles, “I knew this would happen.”

 

Everything is suddenly clear to Hope. Kelley still had her worries about the baby being a replacement. She thinks back to the doctor’s appointment and confirms, “This is why you don’t want to find out, isn’t it?”

 

Kelley’s demeanor glazes over once again as she looks out into the distance. Her silence speaks for her.  

 


End file.
